Not sure if I'm drowning or waving...

I got the AM job - but nothing has been done to relieve me of DIAS work, and I'm still collecting MI work.  Thank heavens home is not very complicated and money is under control at the moment.  I have implemented the "Getting Things Done" methodology for keeping abreast of commitments and todos.  The GTD system seems to be working for me.  And so does Lite'n'Easy - despite the fact that in my current state of exhaustion I admit to devouring three jam doughnuts this morning...  This is something I know already - when I'm tired I have no self-control, and there were (and still are, but I think 'shame' wins now) doughnuts in the kitchen.

I am happy I got the job - I have won the one small thing that I was disappointed about at every job since leaving the CPMS: I will get an office.  Shallow, yes, and probably petty, but it's the thing that suddenly clicked when I saw my initials on the floor plan: I remember the disappointment when I got to Sigma and was in an open office, and at Hospira - where I thought I was finally important - and I got a corner of a cubicle.  Then NATA we had pseudo-cubicle/offices, and then we had none.  It matters to me because I need my own space - and a door.  With confidence in my ability to lose weight, control my todo list (or at least, know what it really is) and a door, I remember a time when I could achieve huge things.  I hope know I can do it again.

I have not been taking care of my self - I have been going to bed too late.  That has to stop, and it has to stop today.  I know that I can't be who I could be when I'm tired, and now I have to show the gumption to act on that knowledge.

I'm buying a new computer today - I ordered it last night and I pick it up this afternoon.  that is my line in the sand.  When it is loaded and running - tonight or tomorrow - so am I.

Made it past the next hurdle

I made it through the first round of interviews for the AM - I'm in the second round!

I am pleased, despite it meaning that I'll have to do assessments again, and the fact that I don't really like people.  As always, I sold myself on the role so that I could sell myself to the panel... So now I want it.

I had a bit of an epiphany the other week - I don't like the prospect of dealing with people, and if given the choice, I will always avoid it.  BUT when I'm in the moment I am good at it.  It is a talent, really, and should not be ignored just because sometimes it troubles me or is difficult.  There have been many, many more times that I've been able to coax, cajole, persuade and lead to great effect - the CPMS and Hospira as well as my teeny little team here.  I think it's a fitness thing - if I can just get my people-fitness up there I'll be ok.

And I don't do so well if I'm not around people.  I begin to invent situations and talk to invisible people as I work through the idea or situation.  That's ok, IF I am going to actually go into the situation and need to know what I think... but if it's never going to happen, it's a waste of time, life, effort and thought.

This week I'm negotiating a split in work tasks within the team - with the team's support I think, but directly against Tracy's wishes.  She wants everyone to be multi-skilled, but it just can't happen like that for the higher workload this year.  Off to talk to Jo about it, then Tracy, then the group in a formal meeting on Wednesday... I can do this.  And I can do the AM.  I just have to convince the panel.

Probably for the best

I didn't get the Sector Manager role.  Tracy did.  It's kind-of the best possible outcome for me - she is probably the only person I would have respected in the role (possibly including myself), and almost certainly the only choice I can live with.  She is, after all, my boss.

But I am disappointed.  Why?  I knew that every other candidate had more experience than me, and that my true history here has been chequered, and most certainly not exemplary.  But still.  In my heart I thought 'I'm worth more money than they're giving me, and I reckon I can do this job'.  The panel didn't think so.

So now I turn my attention to the AM role - which is serious second best for me.  I didn't want to be back doing assessments if possible, and I think I have more to give in the tech area than the assessment.... but, in truth, I am a good trainer, and I am very good with quality managers and sites, so there are strengths that I don't like using.  I don't like them because I find people draining and I struggle to cope with spreading myself across people.

But now there's going to be about 20-23 people applying for 10 AM roles, and I'm not going to get one of those either, and they say I interview well (that's what Trish reported back to me from all members of the panel), so what?  I'm going to go into the AM interview (Tony vdB, Andrew Johnson & a Sector Manager - I suppose it would be too much to hope for it to be Tracy??).  I'm going to sell myself to bits again, and still end up here just an Program Coordinator - not even the status of an SSO and deputy managers no longer exist so I can't even claim that.

The only thing to hope is that they give me the acting SM while Tracy's on mat leave, but I reckon they'll advertise for that and I'll have to fight for it again.  And my experience is not enough, so I'm going to lose every time.

And I don't feel well.  I'm coming down with a cold I think, and I screwed up with the DoHA report last week ( I converted the codes incorrectly).  So maybe I was overreaching; perhaps I don't deserve it.  BUT I WANTED IT.  not to mention the money.  I'm going to be paying for my kids for years yet, and Linda earns nothing, I need to earn more to be able to do anything to get ahead, and I'm getting old. er.  older.  Not old.  perhaps.

I am disappointed.  After the screw up with the report there is a small bit of me thinking ' I wasn't really up to it anyway'.

Fuck it.

That's enough.  I need to work.

after the interview

10:00am
I had my interview this morning.  As always, I took my folder of testimonials and evidence, and, as always, it didn't get opened.

I switched off the light later than I intended last night - 'cos it took longer to read a chapter 'cos the phone kep ringing (Sarah and my sister).  Then I slept pretty well, but struggled to wake up.  Linda finally gave me a coffee at 6am, and I struggled to get up a few minutes later.  I wanted to leave by 7am.  I had showered last night, so just had to wash and straighten my hair, have breakfast, dress, do makeup and go...  didn't weigh in.  I left the house just on 7.

I got to work at 7:40, and had time to fire up computers, organise my folder (clipping everything in so that stuff doesn't drop out), have a chat with my neighbours, and go to the ladies before standing waiting outside the interview room at about 7:57.

Then I got to do some deep breathing and centering before they called me in.

The interview went for 50 minutes.  I think I acquitted myself well.  I think it went well.  I came out feeling quite good and buzzy.  I'm glad I didn't withdraw, but they made it clear that alot of people have applied for this one, and it sounds like many of them have been here alot longer than me (Jennifer actually said that it was nice to have received an application from someone relatively new to NATA - I've been here 3 years, less two weeks!!).  I didn't ask about money, so I don't know how much the payrise would be - or even if there IS a pay rise;  this is NATA, after all...

Interestingly, Rob Passam made a comment about VH doing the DoHA data on N-Cs manually!  Lyn told me that Rob had read my submission on that matter and had chosen not to use my IP... No.  Rob didn't know.  MANUALLY!!  I wish I knew WHY???

Reading between the lines, it also sounds like no-one applied for the Life Sciences SM role.  Not surprised.  It's a bit of a poisoned chalice.  When asked, I didn't say an outright 'no' (I'm not good at that), but tried to explain why I thought my little field would be more interesting.

The decision will be made in about 10 days.  The interviews for AMs should be notified next week - I expect to get one.  I would rather do the SM job, though... More technical, more data, fewer irritating QMs.

Time to get on with some real work now...

5:50pm
It was a long day... If I had focussed earlier it could have been OK, but the interview really set my adrenaline off!

But now I've finished what I have to, so I'm going home.

Back on the wagon...

9:45am
I've lost 1.1kg this week (3rd weighing) after regaining all but 0.1 of the weight I had lost since starting Lite'n'Easy...  My best weight was two days before going to Perth - 85.8 - and I've still got to lose another 0.8 to get there, and then progress again.

Tedious.

I think I'm beginning to get the portion-size thing, though.  And the fruit.  I have a piece of fruit every day for morning tea, and another with lunch, and a small piece of something for afternoon tea.  Except for popcorn - that's a surprisingly big bag!  I did the order for next week over breakfast - I've picked days 1-5 instead of 1,4-7:  the meals on 2 & 3 looked better.  It didn't occur to me to do that before... doh!

Now at work and feeling OK, despite the minor sleep deficits after doing homework on Monday night, and lecture last night.  Early to bed tonight, after finishing ironing and washing the dog blankets.  I may also get my CV 'evidence file' out tonight in case I have trouble finding it tomorrow...

back to work now.

12:15pm
Good mornings work!  And the afternoon is looking pretty good... I didn't feel hungry at morning tea time, so I've only just had my apple - so I guess it will be a late lunch.

Bit of  a downer -  I've just realised that it's only 2 days to go until it means that I didn't get an Accreditation Manager interview...  If i'm not good enough for an AM, what on earth makes me think I have a chance at the Sector Manager role?  Then again, why would they interview me if I wasn't reasonable?? Maybe 'cos there weren't enough applicants?  Am I just going to embarass myself?  Should I call Trish and withdraw from Friday?  I don't want to withdraw, not really, but nor do I wish to be humiliated.  John Styz didn't want to talk to me this morning - I thought it may be because he was being ethical and not chatting with candidates (I was trying to be ethical and not chat to interviewers, at the time), but then I thought, what if he isn't talking to me 'cos I'm not good enough and he's embarassed for me?

Not a nice place to be, my head just now...

5:30pm
And then I just worked.  it was a good afternoon!  Lots to do tonight, so packing up NOW!

Are we there yet?

The perennial question of the impatient 'Are we there yet?'

This is me, I've been gaining weight at a slow but quite steady rate for 25, no, 30 years.  I started a controlled diet 3 weeks ago.  I was away for work last week (and I ate increasingly poorly as the week wore on).  And I want the weight GONE.

In my head I know that you can't undo 30 years of gluttony with 3 weeks of caution, but in my heart I want it to just be gone.  I just want to be at the destination.  I don't want to do the journey, the time.

It won't work, though.  Only patience, discipline and time will resolve it.  Patience and time come to pretty much the same thing, and I've outsourced my discipline (5/7, anyway).  So now I just have to wait it out.

I've been good this morning - I got up, ate a controlled breakfast prepared for work, left on time (for a car trip - I had intended to train, but left too late), and worked fairly solidly since getting here.  Except that the work network is down,.

Tonight I have to do my judges training homework, tomorrow is the lecture, then more ironing & washing on Wednesday, and Thursday I'll have to prepare for Friday's interview.  So my accounts won't get done until Friday?? Damn.  Must be careful with my money this week...

The autumn of my soul

I have written a very difficult blog today - the answer to Jenny's rant against Christianity.  It was very hard to write, especially as she wrote on Good Friday: on the day that Christ ended external sacrifice for ever in our culture.  And then Skeeta died, and then Nan.  So what is the purpose of their deaths if there is no "divine plan"?  None. For me, the purpose is was in their lives, how I coped with their loss and how I celebrated their lives.  How they changed me.  The purpose of their deaths for them was different, and the purpose for everyone else is their own to determine.  It is their lives that had the greatest value.

So I said I don't believe in predesination.  Yes, me, who still looks at horoscopes and toys with the tarot.  Why do I do those things?  Because I think that I know me best and they can offer me a chance to reconsider how I respond to things by priming my mind to think along a particular path.  The bible does the same thing.

I am now shedding the hard parts of my faith - those things I can't live with anymore.  I have long since left the virgin birth behind, and the creation of the world in a few days.  Now it's time to see God as within everyone, not external to us.  And I'm a universalist - I think I have been for a very long time.

Now it is time for me to stop fighting with my faith, and accept what I love, and let go of what no longer works for me.  It's time to shed those leaves and let my soul stop the battle, recover, and look to a new spring.

Autumn leaves

Autumn leaves fall when the joy of summer is over, and harshness of winter is coming.  The tree must divest itself of unnecessary burdens to survive the silence and isolation of the time to come.

And so it is with me now.  I need to take care of myself - my health is suffering because I cannot control my eating, and under stress I just eat more, so I am spending money outsourcing my self-discipline and food choices.  I am using the Lite'n'easy program 5 days per week (M-F) until I've lost at least 10kg.  I hate myself like this, and I just have to cut the illusion of being able to do it.  My illusory leaves must go.

Strange, it should be no harder to follow a sensible diet if I choose food and eat it, than if someone boxes it up and gives it to me - I still have to choose not to eat other food, not to snack and so on.  And yet, it is easier.  I think it's because I don't have to put energy into the preparation and choice stuff that I have energy available for the declining extras.  This is a good time not to think about food - Nan's funeral on Wednesday, still getting used to the loss of Skeeta, about to start cross-training in MI, applied for a sector manager role, and coming to the DIAS 30 June deadline was looking like I would cross the 90kg mark...  Not now though!

And sleep.  I know full well that I can cope with pretty much anything if I sleep well... so now there is a limit.  I put my iPhone sleep app to go off at 8hrs (it will go off anything between 7.5 and 8)

Nothing to give

9:05am
Against my instincts, but with my abilities, I am working from home again today.  I am so flat.  I've been waking up feeling really strange - kind of hung-over, a stretchy kind of very tired.  I don't know how to describe it.  I think Spike is depressed - he is so flat and quiet.  Not right at all.

Today I want to do more checklists, work on the application for Sector Manager, do my accounts, get some rest, get some exercise, do some meditation, and then go to Castlemaine for the club meeting...  And tomorrow I have no choice, I have to be at work at 8:30.

And if all that isn't enough, Phillip is going through the pre-assessment anxiety - "I can't get through this, and so I don't want to do it".  I have to get him through this patch, 'cos he can't just stop every time it gets hard.  He got through last November, and I want to support him through this one.  He, like me, needs to understand that there is never a good time to deal with the problems life presents, you just have to deal with them as they come, and look after yourself as best you can on the way.  Hopefully, I'll talk to him later today and we can work through it.

12:10pm
What a disrupted morning! Long calls to Fay, Tracy and Mohammed (about 2hours all up), as well as to clients (about 20 mins), and answering emails (about an hour) has just ripped the guts out of my morning.  and I still feel ... odd... in the head.  I wonder if it's blood pressure?  Just googled the symptoms... could be.  I really MUST lose this weight.  I don't like feeling like this.

I think I may have a shower... a cool one.  I don't want to increase my blood pressure any further.

1:20pm
Had the shower, got an email from HR, and had to email the girls 'cos I can't see intranet announcements from here... Jennifer Evans is the new CE.  The expected result.  But it meant a chat with Jo, and then Fay rang to tell me too.  I'm having a herbal tea, now.  Trying to keep my blood pressure down...

a tree bare of leaves...

9:55am
Today I am working from home, and I am profoundly sad.

We lost Skeeta at about 1:20am Sunday morning.  I have no energy, and no desire to retell the story.  I will probably cross-post the notes and posts from facebook.  Why reinvent the wheel?

I have arranged for her to be cremated, and the ashes returned to us.  How I wish we had done that for Rani...  but you can't go back, I'm afraid.

I am drained, and I feel as though I may be coming down with something.

In terms of my attempts to keep an eye on myself, I haven't been doing too badly, but still not prepared to weigh myself.  However, I haven't eaten badly, as such.  I kind of care, but mostly don't.  I've done two checklists this morning, so that is something.

I am so incredibly flat.  I've spent about $1600, and I no longer have Skeeta.  Doesn't seem a fair exchange, does it?  Linda, Sarah and Phillip all want Zac to come home now.  But I'm not quite sold...  having said that, I expect to lose that one.  We'll probably bring him home when I see Mum for Mother's Day this weekend.

That's enough for now.  I'm going to close out this checklist and do another.

11:30am
I've done four checklists this morning - 2.25hrs worth, plus 0.25hrs internal calls, 0.25hrs external calls, and
0.75 worth of responding to emails.  3.5 hrs work so far today is pretty good.

And I've finalised the Skeeta details, I just feel so flat.  I've done the washing.  Two loads washed and dried.  so that's good.  I just don't have Skeeta.  I can't imagine the time when this will stop hurting.  the dogs won't go in the dog bed.  I think I have to wash it, to take away the sick Skeeta smell...

More checklists.

2pm
I've now done 5 checklists, and one of them was messy.  That last one took 1.25 hrs, then I had 0.5hrs of calls, and 0.5 of emails.  I also got skeeta's last blood results.  I'm a bit annoyed with gribbles - it was flagged urgent, and the vet called them, but it wasn't run until after 10pm, and they didn't report until nearly 8am.  I thought about complaining to them, but it wouldn't have made a difference to the outcome.  I may have considered more radical action earlier, but I can't be sure that I really would have.  In the end, I don't think it would have changed anything.  I'm going to forward the report to Kris tomorrow, for his records.

5:00pm
I only did one more checklist, hang on... no I did two more, and then I did a change of scope for Nicole.  And now it's time to do the job application for the Sector Manager... Am I overreaching?  WTF, just do it.

falling leaves

9:20am
Well, it is Autumn, but mostly the reference is about dropping off the twig yesterday.  I was all over the place, and then had the lecture in the evening as well.  Yesterday felt ... difficult.  I had to ask a favour of my mother, (for Skeeta to stay there last night after leaving the vet yesterday morning), and that never leaves me feeling good.
Today is the royal wedding, and at least I am spared watching it - we are driving to Dunolly to get Skeeta straight from work.
Speaking of work... so much to do today, better get on with it.

10:30am
serious cravings that nearly had me to the bank to get cash to get food.  Got a long black from the tea room instead, on the assumption that my headache is due to caffiene-insufficiency, and my hunger is probably thirst.
Working ok though...

1:40pm
Concerned - concerned about Skeeta: she has a bruise along the leg where yesterday's blood test was taken.  Mum can't tell me if it was there yesterday.  I specifically asked her if the puncture site was oozing or bleeding yesterday - did she not actually look at it??
Disappointed - disappointed that Linda is not coming with me tonight to Mum's.  Yes, I know she is working tomorrow, well.

A Wednesday kind of leaf

10:15am
At work, Skeeta is still at Kris's, but doing well.  See my Facebook note for the full details - I will probably cross-post that here later on.

This morning back at work, and I need to keep an eye on my food, especially because I am a little worn after yesterday's dramatics, and I KNOW that being tired is a huge risk for me when it comes to food.

So far I'm working well, I've cleared my email, and now I have to do the upload, and then AUDIT, AUDIT, AUDIT!!

10:43am
I was feeling hungry and distracted, so I ate the banana and made a coffee.  Now I'm starting the upload, and I have to call a client at 11am.  Auditing after those two tasks...

1:10pm
Got the audit and client call out of the way, but NW kept emailing me about ...trivial stuff and my morning went.  Even Tracy brought me a "doh" problem.  But I decided to have lunch today, so here I am.  Calls done, messages checked, facebook updated for Skeeta.  Now I'm going to paint nails, meditate for 10 mins and go back to the fray.

2:45pm
This has been a long haul.  I ended up with 45 mins for lunch, and then I did my E4SE (I would like to promise myself to never let that get out of hand again, but...), and now, at long, long last I am ready to FINALLY do an audit...  Let's see how long it takes...

4:00pm
Hungry and restless.  Just had an apple, made a herbal tea and have come back to do another checklist.  Just need to focus a bit longer...

5:10pm
Did another checklist, and took an appalling phone call.  It finished me, it truly did.  Now I'm going home.

clearing the boards...

Anzac Day - 11:15am
Linda was going to go to the dawn service this mroning, but, sadly, slept in.  she really wanted to go, and I feel sad for her that she missed out.

The other part of the early morning was that I was going to get up and start on my list of four things to do today:
 - our accounts
 - CDKC stuff for next weeks meeting
 - Homework for Thursday's lecture
 - Application for the sector manager role.

And of course, all I've done is lounge about reading blogs.  True, interesting ones, but not what I should be doing.

So now I start.  I must remember to time stamp these entries, so the progress of the day is clearer...

12:30pm
I've finished Linda's accounts... she has to stop gambling... the ciggies don't help, but it's the pokies that cost her any chance of saving...  Now my accounts.

1:45pm
My accounts done, but, unaccountably, I have lost $92.  I overspent at the supermarket, but I knew that one, 'cos Linda can't organise herself, so it was spent.  But $92 cash?  No idea what that went on.  I thought I was going ok...

Now off to Sarah's to take Skeeta, and pick her up some takeaway...

4:15pm
Back from Sarah's.  Skeeta had a really bad nosebleed while we were at Mum's yesterday - bled everywhere, and still going (although resolving) when we got home.  No further bleed overnight, but when she got to sarah's it started again, and got worse when we cut her claws.  I think she needs to go to the vet... I don't want to.  I'm ashamed to say that I don't want to spend my last day off driving to Maryborough...  If it takes off again this evening I will just take her to Bundoora.

5:20pm
I've decided to take her to Bundoora in the morning, and then to Maryborough if I'm not happy with them... I think.

8:00pm
I've cleaned my desk and started to sort out the papers from the last meeting, and get together the papers for the next one... also have to arrange with Sarah to do the accounts before next Tuesday...  She will grizzle about that, but on the upside, today we transferred her account to her name.  The next bill cycle moves it into her name.  I think that means I have to pay April and May, and then never, ever again.  That just leave her health insurance.  I said I'd do that in September,  but it'll probably be November when she is back on her feet after Rock Eisteddfod.

11:30pm
I've done the club stuff, and got my minutes set up for the night.  I'm not mailing prep papers - I've emailed to everyone with an email account.  I've also done the letters that I had to do from the last meeting, and set up a filing folder (at long last).  Now all that has to be done is to get Sarah to do her Treasurer's report and give me a cheque for the room hire...  Hopefully we can do that at the meeting next time.

I'm not feeling particularly tired, and I haven't done my homework for the lecture... I think I'll look at it now, plan what I have to do, and then I'll either do it tomorrow or Wednesday night.  On the upside my desk is now clear and can be used.

I'm feeling pretty good about the world and even about me in it!

budding leaves, or a false spring?

Day 4... and it seems to be going well.

I slept well, and woke well this morning.  Refreshed and moving ok.  I had some reticence about coming in 'cos I have to deal with the audit that has been killing me for a while now... I didn't ride in - despite that being a factor (I believe) in my good mood and sleep yesterday - unsure of the weather.

But I am here at work at a good time (by 8:30) and now I am going to do what I did yesterday - phone on dnd, earphones to concentrate, fresh coffee & water, and get the damned audit off my desk so I can do nice work (els audits) for a while.  Feeling OK...

I got Tracy a chocolate bunny for Easter and left it on her desk... she got me a box of lindt chocolates... Now I'm sitting here trying to assimilate the infection control policy of the qld health system and NOT eat chocolate... we have an Easter morning tea shortly, so there will be food there, and I am not actually hungry (maybe a little), so I mustn't eat chocolates, but it is so distracting just having it there...

Focussing again

Made it to morning tea without having chocolate... I had two hot cross buns for morning tea, and then won a box with a bunny and some mini-eggs.  Still haven't had any yet...

NATA has been lucky for me.  I've never been one to win at raffles and things, but here I always seem to be in the running.   Is my luck really changing at last?

9;30pm
Then I had one chocolate, and it all went down hill from there.  I reckon I had 10 or 12 chocolates during the rest of the day, and it made me feel awful.

So what let me down, what happened?  The long and short is that what I was trying to deal with the other day (using food to distract myself - to 'do something' - when I don't know what to do next), hit me hard when I had chocolates on my desk.

On the upside I did finish that wretched audit, got the qld health report out, and when I go in after Easter I will be free to hit the ELS, and hit them hard.

This weekend is my downtime, my recovery time, my breather before the storm hits - haha - it is indeed the eye of the DIAS storm!  lol

Enough.  time for a scotch and sleep.

collecting leaves...

Day 3 of my new leaf...

Didn't get up on time [beat self up about it when time allows], but did bring the ebike.  That has given me a bit of a lift - I had forgotton how good the fresh air (around the river, not on the main roads, of course) feels and smells.

So now I'm at work with a mountain in front of me, and a desire to be a lean, waistcoated dyke in my heart.  There.  I've admitted it.  True, only to myself, but that's what it comes down to.  I want to look like a dyke, but not a bulldyke, and at this weight that is what would happen.

I think blogging helps me to keep things in perspective, so that may have helped yesterday as well.  Let's see how today goes.  I'm going to get a coffee and get going!

I'm on the phones today, and what I'm finding is that I can't quickly switch from calls and emails to checklist work.  I need a trigger to help me transition... I know me, time to apply my knowledge.  I need a little ritual to change focus and move to the next thing.... what to do??

Try this.
step 1 - remove headset
step 2 - put phone on do not disturb
step 3 - pink noise for 30 mins and work
step 4 - reset phone, return calls
repeat as necessary

hmm this is a big deal, putting the phone on dnd when I'm rostered... might check this with TF before I implement.  Yep, she's good.  Self-preservation is a really big deal just now...

Just finished a cycle.  That worked really well!  30 mins offline, followed by about as long on calls. I'm going to leave my desk, get a fresh hot drink and fresh water, and then come back and do it all again!

Yes, this is working for me.  Not just that, but I seem to be FINALLY losing some of the fluid I started retaining when we had the pizzas last Friday!  I've just had a milky coffee, and I'm not actually hungry, but I still feel thirsty.  I've got a glass of water here to sip on and I'm using that with a bit of deep breathing to transition between tasks.  I finally feel like I may have found a way to work with this job!

The other thing that I think is helping is this - microblogging between things.  Just enough to track how I'm going, not enough to be disruptive...  going well.

My clients are so damned dumb.  Now I'm hungry (well it is 2:30) so I'm going to get something LIGHT to eat, 'cos it's close to tea time.

I had a savoury muffin with a coffee with Sarah who used to work here... work has been good today, and now, just on 5pm, I'm going home!

looking at the leaves...

Okay.  One and one-half days into this and I see that I am using food as a distraction from what I should do...I am struggling to focus and do a FS audit, and as I tried to concentrate I found myself thinking 'lunchtime, need to go get food'.  I paused and analysed the sensation.  I am not actually hungry.  I am just finding it very hard to concentrate.  My mind is tired and scattered and trying to find something else to do that isn't hard.  I have done lots of scrappy little things today, nothing with meat on it.

So now I've recorded this finding against myself.  Corrective action - get a fresh, hot drink of chamomile & spearmint tea, return to desk with pink noise on the headphones and set the timer to do 30 minutes of focussed work...

Right
Step 1 - the tea. done
Step 2 - the pink noise - let's go flowing creek. done - set for 30 mins
Step 3 - work.

Let's see how I go...

aarghghh - interruption - my 30 mins was broken because doha and medicare do not talk to each other, and we are about to lose our anaesthetist clients... and I think if they go then fertility clients and possibly urology will follow.  But if the change is about pressure from colleges, then the urologists and cardiologists will be next...

*sigh*
trying again.

Interrupted again...  is it any wonder I can't focus?  I can't get 30 mins straight to work even when I'm OFF the phones...

third time lucky.
Step 1 - hot drink... nah can't be bothered going back to the kitchen.  Just sculled the cold tea from last time.
Step 2 - pink noise for 30 mins ... yep, flowing creek again...
Step 3 - try, try, try to work  AND FOR THE RECORD - I am still not actually hungry, but I keep thinking about getting some food.  How weird is that?

OK.  That worked.  I've finally broken through and got work done.  I can see it going through now.

So the message is to bring myself back into focus when I start to get distracted.  Let's see how it goes tomorrow, hey?

Jo and Fay are both going to be away for the rest of the week, and then Fay is on leave... there is just me and Tracy for the climbing workload...

It is going to be early tonight!

Turning a new leaf?

I posted on the zz blog today about how, despite all I know about myself, I seem unable to learn my own lessons.

I know that if I get plenty of sleep and spend time on either meditation and/or self-hypnosis I can cope with pretty much anything the world throws at me...

So why can't I just be self-disciplined enough to JUST DO IT???

So tomorrow I try to start over.

One day at a time.

I will try to post to this blog four times tomorrow via the iphone, or through the dashboard online - or to the calendar, I am undecided...

The first post of the day will be when I arrive at my desk at work:

• What time I got up
• My weight
• What I had for breakfast
• How my sleep graph looked
• How I generally feel

Second post will be at lunch time:

• How my morning felt
• Whether I snacked
• whether I had a sensible lunch
• Whether I have done a self-hypnosis session, and for how long
• How long I took for lunch

Third post will be when I get home:

• The general feel of the whole day so far
• Whether I snacked after lunch
• What I must do in the evening
• What time I plan to go to bed

The final post of the day will be at bedtime:

• What time I have gone to bed
• What time I plan to have lights out
• How disciplined I feel I have been
• Did I get any exercise

Posts will be VERY short, and I hope that they can help me to get a feel for what is going on with me...

One. day. at. a. time...

No time to really rest...

This week has been rather frenetic, and next week will not be any better.  The one after will be a minor improvement, but the Bendigo-Eaglehawk shows are on that weekend, so I think it will be March before things settle out properly.
On the upside - Linda has finally started budgeting.  True, I'm doing it for her, but I am never going to see any of my money again if I don't.  I have cleared her credit card debts twice now ($3000 a time), I paid for her trip to Hong Kong last year, and I loaned her nearly $1200 over Christmas.  I've given up on the big amounts, but the line has been drawn.  I have to have the Christmas money back.  And Sarah owes me about $700.  The good thing about her is that she has just taken over her car insurance - I'm expecting mine to drop to about $600.  I should be saving about $100 a month.  And we are still trying to give her phone bill over to her - that is costing me around $100-$140 a month.  It'll be like a $3000 pay rise!  And if I can get her to take the health insurance by mid-year that will give me another $90 each month.  I've committed to give Phillip up to $230 each month - $80 is the extra for living in Chisholm college above what it was, and I said he could have $150 for food (coles vouchers) if he needs it.  Most of the latter part of last year he didn't need it, but I'll keep it available just in case.
It's hard to avoid the thought that if I got rid of all my money black-holes that I'd be a whole lot better off....

I'm finding that I'm mentally tired at the end of the day, but not getting sufficient time to recover before bed.  add to that the fact that I HAVE NO SCOTCH just now, and you can see that my routine has been severely disrupted.  Nor will I be able to afford any this side of March.  I haven't had my legs or eyebrows waxed since early December either.  My legs are so bad that I'm going to have to shave them to make them even suitable for getting someone else to do them!  And I can't afford THAT until March too.

Still, life's not that hard - we are going to Embrasse on Monday for Valentine's Day dinner, and I'm reading a book (on Kindle for PC) about the evolution of the female orgasm...
Now to dinner next door.

Just a quiet Saturday night

I have just spent the last hour and a half looking at Phillip & Rosie's photos from their road trip to Perth.  They have taken some beautiful photos - I'm a bit jealous, I'd love to do a similar trip.  With a bit more money, though!
I've done a new entry in the zz blog - for the first time in my life I've said how I spent all those hours alone all my life... any why I think I did it.  go read!
Life is good - I got stuff done today, still got more to do, but that's OK.  Tomorrow is Dad's birthday, and we are going to the Olympic for dinner...
I'm struggling to write .  I have to do this more often.
Goodnight

Things are beginning to be ... OK... I think

This is a strange time for me.  Phillip is happy and away on holidays with Rosie.  When he comes back he will move into digs on campus and start studying again.  Sarah is working and living OK, seems to be happy with her life - certainly working hard enough.
My home is under control (clean and orderly), my work is good (great actually), and I'm in touch with friends old and new.

Where I'm struggling is with Linda - I think that because everything is finally going as it should my subconscious is now *looking* for problems to 'entertain' it.  I'm struggling to live without drama.  At least, I think that's what's going on.  I am so unused to a 'normal' life that I don't know what to do with it.

So I'm about to embark on some activities to keep me from being a pain - I start the judging aspirants course (for the third or fourth time) next week, I've committed to Karyn to finish her drawing, and Jenny L and I have created a new blog to work on together (the ZZ one).  I also have plans to start writing poetry again, so that I can compete in slams.

So in short, everything is OK, and I'd like to be OK with that, but after the last 25 years, that isn't easy.