Thursday morning

Doing it at the right time today.

The mobile broadband needed a bit more attention yesterday afternoon (software needed to be uninstalled and reinstalled), but was working ok by the end of the day. It wasn't a good distraction, though.

On the other hand, I managed to get through some work that had been stressing me (like anything I don't do when it's due...). Today will be a challenge - I have to close out the last two I've done, and finish the FS audit that has been on my desk for over two weeks.

When I start doing something complex I need time to do it at my own pace - and I have to do it a couple of times before I am able to see the shape and feel what I'm doing. There just hasn't been the space to do it that way - on the other hand, we seem to have had a drop off (at long, long last) in phone calls, and with the shift in hours, maybe I'm finally there!

Despite getting home late, I think the shifted hours may work for me. My main concern is that it means that Linda will spend longer at her sisters drinking and smoking every day, and that the dogs are alone in that time. Then again, regardless of my start/finish times, they are alone while I'm at work anyway... Same number of hours!

Tomorrow is an annual leave day so that I can get everything finalised for Saturday's show. It will be a very busy day, but much, much better than trying to fit it in around working days. I've also taken Monday off as a recovery day ... I'm going to Isola on Monday - recovery indeed!

Then, after the show, it's time to deal with Christmas!

Phillip and Rosie will be back from St Leonard's today - and we should find out whether they've broken up again, or are still together, and going to Tasmania for the music festival. Who knows? If I'm lucky, they will still be together, but not living together, and they will both head off after Christmas, coming back in time to move into Halls for the academic year... Too much to hope?

Time to get on with the day!

Getting my mobile broadband activated

Some months ago I closed my contract-mobile broadband account, got wireless put on at home and had my mobile modem unlocked so that I could get a pre-paid sim for when I’m not at home... sounds simple, yes?

Grrr

No

For some reason I am just dumb when it comes to activating pre-paid sims.

I got this one last August, and off-and-on since then I’ve tried to get it going. Today I realised that the dog show is on in a few days and I will need to have it available. So today at lunchtime I gave up and I’ve called 3 to get it activated. It has now been over half an hour and I have been asked if I want to receive promotional emails, my home address (they gave me my old address), my phone number (quoted my daughters), my employer, my working hours, my supervisor – and I have hit the roof. They already have my details – my mobile is under contract with them, and I only got it in April or May this year – I JUST WANT TO ACTIVATE THE SIM.

Now I’m on hold. My lunchtime has come and gone, and I am livid.

I can manipulate data, I can audit all sorts of things, I can write databases but ... I CAN’T ACTIVATE A SIM CARD. Seething.

NOW they’re telling me that the sim card is ‘invalid’ – I’m livid.

I have been with this carrier for about 12 years, and they are really, really, pissing me off...

Nearly an hour ... ok, 49 minutes, later they have done what I wanted in the first place. It is now working.

What I wanted to do was put this blog entry up at lunch time because reflection is good for building resilience, and I ran out of time to do it at home this morning.

I think I may have displayed displaced anger – I’m angry with work, so I took it out on them?? No, I don’t think so. I think I was pissed off with them. It was placed anger.

Trialling a new starting time

There are some strange complications in my new role in DI. The main one that is causing me angst at the moment is that the phone calls are ongoing and intense, but the work-proper continues to build up. I am struggling to do the actual work.

Yesterday I discussed (with my manager and Linda) the possibility of shifting hours - so that I start at 10 or 10:30, and finish at 6;30 or 7. Tracy was sanguine - it's up to me what I do with hours; she also suggested that I could do overtime and take time-in-lieu. I just don't believe that I'll get the time back in anything like the quantity I would need to build (and one day, I hope, maintain) resiliance again. For me, taking the time in the morning is not ideal, because historically I have only used pre-work time to get dressed, not do anything else. So the change would require me to reorganise my mind to achieve set tasks in the morning, so the time is not simply lost. Hence the blog again... I think that if I can continue to go to bed at 9:30-10pm, get up at 6-6:30 and be more-or-less ready for work at 8am, then I should have time to do a bit of tidying, a bit of washing, blog, morning prayer and meditation.

Linda was less pleased about it - she thinks work should just be changed. It isn't going to happen. It's true, our dinner will end up much later, and we'll have less time in the evening, but if I can discipline myself to do computer tasks (emails, facebook and accounts maintenance) in the mornings, then I'm all hers at night instead of distracted.

Hmmm, I just noticed that I've added three things to the list of what I want to do in the morning, that I didn't include in the previous list...

Yesterday was a disrupted day - Phillip took Rosie and Spike to St Leonards for a few days on Sunday, and yesterday morning when they got up Spike had gone. He called me at about 10.40, and I gave up and left work to go look for him at 12n. Sarah picked up her father and they left just after me. It turns out that some kind soul picked him up and took him to a Drysdale vet. Tony started calling vets on the way down and found him almost straight away. I met them at the holiday house and bought him home. He has badly abraded paws, and some insect bites and scratches on him, but, aside from being stiff and exhausted, he is OK.

Time for a shower!

...and at the other end of the year

Here I am in December. Yes, it was a 'stress' breakdown, and I was pretty ill for at least 2 months - I started to come round in late March, but didn't really begin to improve til Linda and I went on holiday to Hong Kong in May. After that I started working on a new project (data work, mercifully) and I have been on a steady road to recovery since then. I had a bit of a set back in early November when Phillip's pre-exam stress caused me significant distress, but everything seems to be on the improve again now.

I'm back seeing the psychologist and principally working through why I comfort eat...although, for me, I think it should be why I have so little self-control and self-discipline.

Anyhow. I think only once before have I really broken like I did in January, and that would have been when I was at the CPMS. And, similarly, it took months to recover, but dissimilarly, I left. I wish I'd stayed there... still. too late now.

So why was I able to cope with years of ... awful things, but last Christmas broke me?

I think I'm edging towards an understanding but I need more time to think - and that's the key: I think it has to do with reflection.

More tomorrow!

Fwd: Not very well at the moment

 I've been off work for four weeks - one week for Christmas/New Year, one week of leave ... and then two weeks when I had something of a breakdown.  I knew I was burning bridges when I didn't go back to work on time, but it was just impossible, I was in a terrible state.  Now here I am back at the desk with everyone tip-toeing around me (that's ok, though;  I am pretty fragile), and nearly in tears again.  My workload is such a mess, and the manager and her director want to talk to me at noon.

 

I am not coping (again).  I have to let it wash over me and just try to go one moment at a time (not up to whole days yet).