9:30:14 AM
I actually went to bed at a reasonable time last night. I made dinner, kind-of cleaned up, upgraded the OS on my PDA, cleaned up the address book, chatted with Sarah for a while, and slept.
This morning I was still really tired – had no end of trouble getting up, but I made a deal with Sarah, and she is going to let the dogs out. That saved me a few minutes. I left on time, and had a pretty good run into work. Even the car didn’t break down.
In here this morning I have emailed Cat and Karyn to say I can’t go to the Feminist Forum this evening – I’ll be finishing work too late to get there. I also wrote to Sean and Dani – there is a Scientific Meeting on this morning about the repeat dose study, and none of those idiots have any idea what they are doing. It is so frustrating to be external enough to be unable to change things, but still involved enough to know what a mess they are making… Sean seems to think that I’ll get the training gig some time in the next fortnight or so. I really hope so, I need the money.
Greg is at a meeting in Dandenong that will be covering some of the aspects of my work. I overheard a phone conversation yesterday that sounded as though someone in (possibly) QA was kind-of doing my job, and I thought I might be out of a job in the near future, but it turns out that Greg thinks it may go the other way: I may end up with a broader scope. Wouldn’t hurt. I’m finding the work pretty mindless.
That’ll do, back to work.
9:30:14 AM
At lunch time I called Sean to find out what happened at the meeting – and I find out that LiQing (!) was the one who didn’t want me to do haem training… Strange.
So after talking to him, I called Peter to ask what is going on. Now I have work!! I’m doing another haem SOP (‘cos they’ve changed the analysis process), reviewing all their SOPs for repeat dose in advance of the paper audit by NATA, and creating a haem training module for delivery by mid-October. YAY. I should easily be able to get 25-30 hours out of that lot. Then there is still RITA training to come.
Greg came back from Dandenong with one of those good news/bad news things. It looks like the training system is on the right track (kind of), but the right (corporate) hand doesn’t know what the left (corporate) hand is doing. I’m pretty sure I’ve got work for the foreseeable future.
9/13/2006 9:27 AM
The rest of the day was pretty dead. I was very happy to be getting the work, and just couldn’t settle to this work, so did sod-all for too long.
In the evening I cooked a dahl dinner, and arranged with Chanel that she will keep the common areas clean for the next two weeks in exchange for her board. I also made the decision last night to get someone in to do the mowing etc. I am not getting to it, I don’t like doing it, and I like the way it looks even less. A decisive evening! I also kept the dogs in last night – the red girls slept with me, Skeeta with Sarah and the boys in the crate. I think I actually slept better! Not sure though.
Tuesday, 12 September 2006
Monday, 11 September 2006
Friday, September 08, 2006
9.40am
I went to bed way too late last night, and I am tired again today, but it is a lot better than yesterday. I shouldn’t have had takeaway for dinner last night, either, but I ended up picking up Phillip, and the kitchen was a disaster when I got home, so it was 9.30 before I could start thinking about food. So Sarah and I had souvlaki. Very salty, outrageous quantities of garlic. But I liked it.
When I got up this morning, even though I was late, I still managed to sort the dogs. I have to. The kids will NOT clean the pens, and I cannot leave them in that state…
Tony called me this morning (on my way to work) to tell me that the car is ready, and all it needed was more petrol. I am really cross with the RACV – I thought about just asking him to do what the last bloke did (pour petrol in while I start it), but he went on about cracks and things. I have to call Frank and sort out when to pick it up. The RACV can pay for a taxi for me to do that this evening.
I found some interesting tech writing sites yesterday afternoon, and had some interesting reading. This morning I have set up a template and worked out how the document mapping thing works. It seems I’ve been ‘document mapping’ for years. I just didn’t know that the resource was in Word to make it easier to do. I also found some references to style manuals. I think I’ll find one of my own to use.
It’s now after lunch. 1.45pm
I called Frank, but he had not checked the bit of the engine that the RACV said was cracked. I described the spot, and he said he’d look at it and call me back. Mostly, I’d like him to take the tape off the hose. If it doesn’t need to be there, then I don’t want it there.
Mum called me from the Adelaide Royal. Sandy won, and Mum mms’d me a pic of the dog. A bit overangulated in the hind quarters, but refined with a good depth of chest. Mum says that the apparent overangulation is just the way that Sandy stacked him. I’m not so sure.
OK. Back to work
I went to bed way too late last night, and I am tired again today, but it is a lot better than yesterday. I shouldn’t have had takeaway for dinner last night, either, but I ended up picking up Phillip, and the kitchen was a disaster when I got home, so it was 9.30 before I could start thinking about food. So Sarah and I had souvlaki. Very salty, outrageous quantities of garlic. But I liked it.
When I got up this morning, even though I was late, I still managed to sort the dogs. I have to. The kids will NOT clean the pens, and I cannot leave them in that state…
Tony called me this morning (on my way to work) to tell me that the car is ready, and all it needed was more petrol. I am really cross with the RACV – I thought about just asking him to do what the last bloke did (pour petrol in while I start it), but he went on about cracks and things. I have to call Frank and sort out when to pick it up. The RACV can pay for a taxi for me to do that this evening.
I found some interesting tech writing sites yesterday afternoon, and had some interesting reading. This morning I have set up a template and worked out how the document mapping thing works. It seems I’ve been ‘document mapping’ for years. I just didn’t know that the resource was in Word to make it easier to do. I also found some references to style manuals. I think I’ll find one of my own to use.
It’s now after lunch. 1.45pm
I called Frank, but he had not checked the bit of the engine that the RACV said was cracked. I described the spot, and he said he’d look at it and call me back. Mostly, I’d like him to take the tape off the hose. If it doesn’t need to be there, then I don’t want it there.
Mum called me from the Adelaide Royal. Sandy won, and Mum mms’d me a pic of the dog. A bit overangulated in the hind quarters, but refined with a good depth of chest. Mum says that the apparent overangulation is just the way that Sandy stacked him. I’m not so sure.
OK. Back to work
Monday, September 11, 2006
12:06:37 PM
I had a strange weekend. I picked the car up from Frank on Friday night, and ate with Tony. Then I slept-in on Saturday morning. In the afternoon I just pottered, and did a bit of shopping at Cardamone. I should have got stuff done, but I was just so very, very tired. Late in the evening I went to Tony’s and helped him get MYOB under control so that he can get his tax done. Actually, I’ll have to go back and do BAS statements with him before that, but, at least it’s started.
Sunday I slept in again, I spent the whole afternoon just pottering about, not getting a whole lot done until about 4pm when all the kids were out.
I found my PDA cradle, and my phone cable, and got them both synced with the computer for the first time for over a month. I also cleaned up my podcasts.
Then I cleaned up the kitchen, had a quiet dinner, and afterwards cleaned my room. It SO needed to be done weeks ago, but I have been struggling with the energy required. I was up way too late finishing it all off, but this morning my room was a relative pleasure to wake in.
As a consequence, I slept in again this morning – not disastrously, but enough to put some pressure on the morning. Then I ran out of petrol AGAIN on the Eastern Freeway, with the gauge saying I still had about 50km to go. I lost it, and burst into tears. I called Tony. He had taken Phillip & Keith to the airport this morning (Phillip has gone to the Gold Coast for a two week holiday), and he was still on the road when I called. So he very kindly got about 10litres of petrol and rescued me. I arrived at work an hour and a quarter late. So I’ll be here till 6pm every night this week. That means I’d better apologise my way out of tomorrow nights Feminist Forum – I wouldn’t get there before it finished.
That’ll do for the moment.
4:46:55 PM
The day has just flown by. I have done the best days actual work that I’ve done for weeks. I have written a discussion document revising the way we qualify management, and I have re-jigged the levels for just about everyone in line with the changes. Lots of writing, lots of data-fiddling. Nice day. Of course it could have been better – I could have got some actual work from RDDT, money could have fallen out of the sky…
I called Qantas and got the missing booking confirmation number for Phillip’s return flight, and sms’d it to him, with his departure details. He wrote back to say that he got drunk on the plane. I replied that I was disappointed in him, and worried. I asked him not to do it again. Some chance.
Sarah called – she has found a course she wants to do in Stage Management, and she discovered today that she worked with someone at the Rock Eisteddfod who is a friend of a senior person with that course. There is a chance she could get in next year instead of the year after. That would be fantastic for her. I’m pleased that she has found something she is really motivated to do.
I also found that I could induce most unpleasant headache-y type sensations by eating too much liquorice. Ouch. Cutting back, big time.
I had a strange weekend. I picked the car up from Frank on Friday night, and ate with Tony. Then I slept-in on Saturday morning. In the afternoon I just pottered, and did a bit of shopping at Cardamone. I should have got stuff done, but I was just so very, very tired. Late in the evening I went to Tony’s and helped him get MYOB under control so that he can get his tax done. Actually, I’ll have to go back and do BAS statements with him before that, but, at least it’s started.
Sunday I slept in again, I spent the whole afternoon just pottering about, not getting a whole lot done until about 4pm when all the kids were out.
I found my PDA cradle, and my phone cable, and got them both synced with the computer for the first time for over a month. I also cleaned up my podcasts.
Then I cleaned up the kitchen, had a quiet dinner, and afterwards cleaned my room. It SO needed to be done weeks ago, but I have been struggling with the energy required. I was up way too late finishing it all off, but this morning my room was a relative pleasure to wake in.
As a consequence, I slept in again this morning – not disastrously, but enough to put some pressure on the morning. Then I ran out of petrol AGAIN on the Eastern Freeway, with the gauge saying I still had about 50km to go. I lost it, and burst into tears. I called Tony. He had taken Phillip & Keith to the airport this morning (Phillip has gone to the Gold Coast for a two week holiday), and he was still on the road when I called. So he very kindly got about 10litres of petrol and rescued me. I arrived at work an hour and a quarter late. So I’ll be here till 6pm every night this week. That means I’d better apologise my way out of tomorrow nights Feminist Forum – I wouldn’t get there before it finished.
That’ll do for the moment.
4:46:55 PM
The day has just flown by. I have done the best days actual work that I’ve done for weeks. I have written a discussion document revising the way we qualify management, and I have re-jigged the levels for just about everyone in line with the changes. Lots of writing, lots of data-fiddling. Nice day. Of course it could have been better – I could have got some actual work from RDDT, money could have fallen out of the sky…
I called Qantas and got the missing booking confirmation number for Phillip’s return flight, and sms’d it to him, with his departure details. He wrote back to say that he got drunk on the plane. I replied that I was disappointed in him, and worried. I asked him not to do it again. Some chance.
Sarah called – she has found a course she wants to do in Stage Management, and she discovered today that she worked with someone at the Rock Eisteddfod who is a friend of a senior person with that course. There is a chance she could get in next year instead of the year after. That would be fantastic for her. I’m pleased that she has found something she is really motivated to do.
I also found that I could induce most unpleasant headache-y type sensations by eating too much liquorice. Ouch. Cutting back, big time.
Monday, September 11, 2006
12:06:37 PM
I had a strange weekend. I picked the car up from Frank on Friday night, and ate with Tony. Then I slept-in on Saturday morning. In the afternoon I just pottered, and did a bit of shopping at Cardamone. I should have got stuff done, but I was just so very, very tired. Late in the evening I went to Tony’s and helped him get MYOB under control so that he can get his tax done. Actually, I’ll have to go back and do BAS statements with him before that, but, at least it’s started.
Sunday I slept in again, I spent the whole afternoon just pottering about, not getting a whole lot done until about 4pm when all the kids were out.
I found my PDA cradle, and my phone cable, and got them both synced with the computer for the first time for over a month. I also cleaned up my podcasts.
Then I cleaned up the kitchen, had a quiet dinner, and afterwards cleaned my room. It SO needed to be done weeks ago, but I have been struggling with the energy required. I was up way too late finishing it all off, but this morning my room was a relative pleasure to wake in.
As a consequence, I slept in again this morning – not disastrously, but enough to put some pressure on the morning. Then I ran out of petrol AGAIN on the Eastern Freeway, with the gauge saying I still had about 50km to go. I lost it, and burst into tears. I called Tony. He had taken Phillip & Keith to the airport this morning (Phillip has gone to the Gold Coast for a two week holiday), and he was still on the road when I called. So he very kindly got about 10litres of petrol and rescued me. I arrived at work an hour and a quarter late. So I’ll be here till 6pm every night this week. That means I’d better apologise my way out of tomorrow nights Feminist Forum – I wouldn’t get there before it finished.
That’ll do for the moment.
4:46:55 PM
The day has just flown by. I have done the best days actual work that I’ve done for weeks. I have written a discussion document revising the way we qualify management, and I have re-jigged the levels for just about everyone in line with the changes. Lots of writing, lots of data-fiddling. Nice day. Of course it could have been better – I could have got some actual work from RDDT, money could have fallen out of the sky…
I called Qantas and got the missing booking confirmation number for Phillip’s return flight, and sms’d it to him, with his departure details. He wrote back to say that he got drunk on the plane. I replied that I was disappointed in him, and worried. I asked him not to do it again. Some chance.
Sarah called – she has found a course she wants to do in Stage Management, and she discovered today that she worked with someone at the Rock Eisteddfod who is a friend of a senior person with that course. There is a chance she could get in next year instead of the year after. That would be fantastic for her. I’m pleased that she has found something she is really motivated to do.
I also found that I could induce most unpleasant headache-y type sensations by eating too much liquorice. Ouch. Cutting back, big time.
I had a strange weekend. I picked the car up from Frank on Friday night, and ate with Tony. Then I slept-in on Saturday morning. In the afternoon I just pottered, and did a bit of shopping at Cardamone. I should have got stuff done, but I was just so very, very tired. Late in the evening I went to Tony’s and helped him get MYOB under control so that he can get his tax done. Actually, I’ll have to go back and do BAS statements with him before that, but, at least it’s started.
Sunday I slept in again, I spent the whole afternoon just pottering about, not getting a whole lot done until about 4pm when all the kids were out.
I found my PDA cradle, and my phone cable, and got them both synced with the computer for the first time for over a month. I also cleaned up my podcasts.
Then I cleaned up the kitchen, had a quiet dinner, and afterwards cleaned my room. It SO needed to be done weeks ago, but I have been struggling with the energy required. I was up way too late finishing it all off, but this morning my room was a relative pleasure to wake in.
As a consequence, I slept in again this morning – not disastrously, but enough to put some pressure on the morning. Then I ran out of petrol AGAIN on the Eastern Freeway, with the gauge saying I still had about 50km to go. I lost it, and burst into tears. I called Tony. He had taken Phillip & Keith to the airport this morning (Phillip has gone to the Gold Coast for a two week holiday), and he was still on the road when I called. So he very kindly got about 10litres of petrol and rescued me. I arrived at work an hour and a quarter late. So I’ll be here till 6pm every night this week. That means I’d better apologise my way out of tomorrow nights Feminist Forum – I wouldn’t get there before it finished.
That’ll do for the moment.
4:46:55 PM
The day has just flown by. I have done the best days actual work that I’ve done for weeks. I have written a discussion document revising the way we qualify management, and I have re-jigged the levels for just about everyone in line with the changes. Lots of writing, lots of data-fiddling. Nice day. Of course it could have been better – I could have got some actual work from RDDT, money could have fallen out of the sky…
I called Qantas and got the missing booking confirmation number for Phillip’s return flight, and sms’d it to him, with his departure details. He wrote back to say that he got drunk on the plane. I replied that I was disappointed in him, and worried. I asked him not to do it again. Some chance.
Sarah called – she has found a course she wants to do in Stage Management, and she discovered today that she worked with someone at the Rock Eisteddfod who is a friend of a senior person with that course. There is a chance she could get in next year instead of the year after. That would be fantastic for her. I’m pleased that she has found something she is really motivated to do.
I also found that I could induce most unpleasant headache-y type sensations by eating too much liquorice. Ouch. Cutting back, big time.
Thursday, 7 September 2006
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did.
On the way home last night the car broke down. I thought it was just that it was out of petrol, but, apparently not. There is a cracked something or other, and last night the car was towed home; later an RACV chap came to try to get it going. He failed. So today the car is getting towed to Frank’s. I would have liked to use an independent mechanic (ie, someone my husband is not related to), but I have no money, so I’m out of choices. On the up side, I’m using Phillip’s car (thanking the Lord that we got it back after it was stolen), and the RACV have offered me either taxis (three of) or a hire car for 24hrs. I’ll wait to see how long it’ll be out of action before I decide what to do. The hire car would be good. I think what I’d like would be a taxi to a car hire place, then the car, then a taxi home and another taxi to pick up the car (whenever that is), but we’ll see. If I’m really lucky Frank’ll get it back on the road tonight, and I’ll only need one taxi, and then have my car back.
I spoke to Sean last night, and the newbies are saying really nice things like “Why did they let Diane leave?” I like the way they are thinking! I should be doing RDDT training soon, but I haven’t heard from anyone, and I really need the money. Not sure where to go with that. I don’t want to ring, but I really want to know when/if I’ll still get the work.
I would also like to hear from the new CEO. I felt really positive at the Audit day when I talked to her. I was confident that she would ask me to come back. But now she has been there for nearly two weeks and I haven’t heard from her yet.
Today I am still very tired. By the time I finished with the RACV last night, then had dinner it was suddenly time to pick Phillip up from work (in his car), and it was 9.30 by the time I was finally home. I was almost too tired to actually make the effort to go to bed. I am so drained. I am typing this with my eyes closed, ‘cos I’m so tired that the eyes can’t stay open. My typing’s pretty good, eh? I had endless trouble getting out of bed this morning – I lay there, just exhausted, for nearly an hour before I actually got up. Then, of course, I didn’t’ have time to look after the dogs, have breakfast, or stack the dishwasher. I’ll pay for that this evening.
Yesterday Mum & Dad got a statement from the Insurance brokers, and unfortunately it included the lapsed house insurance. Soi they are pressuring me to pay it – nearly $1000. True Tony should pay half, but if you combine that with the car, it is just way too much. Especially when neither kid is paying their board properly at the moment ‘cos they are stressed with various things, too.
I’ve got no money, didn’t get up in time to bring food other than a couple of apples, and I have been getting terribly hungry in the afternoons. I’d just like to record my thanks to the Creator for Adrienne’s birthday today – she brought in a really good food-ish type carrot cake. Nice one.
So what is next? I guess I’d better get on with my actual, paying, work… I’m doing it, I really am, it’s just that I am so tired, and the work is so very dry that I am struggling to stay awake. Olivia hasn’t’ answered the email I sent to her yesterday. My Dad called before – I didn’t pick up – they probably want to know what I’m doing about the insurance. I am going to get the extra credit from the supplier….
I’ve spent a large chunk of the afternoon on a tangential bit of my work – far more creative, and using a database – making queries and reports and stuff. I think I’ve done more work this afternoon than I have for days… My phone is running flat: I didn’t put it on the charger last night, I was too lethargic to bother, so now I’m going to have a problem. I need to call the Insurance Brokers, and I wanted to slope off to one of the visitors rooms to do it, but I needed my phone, and I think it will almost certainly die mid-conversation. And it won’t be a quick one.
I spoke to Sean last night, and the newbies are saying really nice things like “Why did they let Diane leave?” I like the way they are thinking! I should be doing RDDT training soon, but I haven’t heard from anyone, and I really need the money. Not sure where to go with that. I don’t want to ring, but I really want to know when/if I’ll still get the work.
I would also like to hear from the new CEO. I felt really positive at the Audit day when I talked to her. I was confident that she would ask me to come back. But now she has been there for nearly two weeks and I haven’t heard from her yet.
Today I am still very tired. By the time I finished with the RACV last night, then had dinner it was suddenly time to pick Phillip up from work (in his car), and it was 9.30 by the time I was finally home. I was almost too tired to actually make the effort to go to bed. I am so drained. I am typing this with my eyes closed, ‘cos I’m so tired that the eyes can’t stay open. My typing’s pretty good, eh? I had endless trouble getting out of bed this morning – I lay there, just exhausted, for nearly an hour before I actually got up. Then, of course, I didn’t’ have time to look after the dogs, have breakfast, or stack the dishwasher. I’ll pay for that this evening.
Yesterday Mum & Dad got a statement from the Insurance brokers, and unfortunately it included the lapsed house insurance. Soi they are pressuring me to pay it – nearly $1000. True Tony should pay half, but if you combine that with the car, it is just way too much. Especially when neither kid is paying their board properly at the moment ‘cos they are stressed with various things, too.
I’ve got no money, didn’t get up in time to bring food other than a couple of apples, and I have been getting terribly hungry in the afternoons. I’d just like to record my thanks to the Creator for Adrienne’s birthday today – she brought in a really good food-ish type carrot cake. Nice one.
So what is next? I guess I’d better get on with my actual, paying, work… I’m doing it, I really am, it’s just that I am so tired, and the work is so very dry that I am struggling to stay awake. Olivia hasn’t’ answered the email I sent to her yesterday. My Dad called before – I didn’t pick up – they probably want to know what I’m doing about the insurance. I am going to get the extra credit from the supplier….
I’ve spent a large chunk of the afternoon on a tangential bit of my work – far more creative, and using a database – making queries and reports and stuff. I think I’ve done more work this afternoon than I have for days… My phone is running flat: I didn’t put it on the charger last night, I was too lethargic to bother, so now I’m going to have a problem. I need to call the Insurance Brokers, and I wanted to slope off to one of the visitors rooms to do it, but I needed my phone, and I think it will almost certainly die mid-conversation. And it won’t be a quick one.
Wednesday, 6 September 2006
Problems with the Parish Priest
I had an email from the Priest today, about some things that I've been avoiding. It has just been such a challenge to get through each day, that actually working through what my issues with our Church has been in the 'too hard' basket. So the email from her forced me to decide: either write back something bland and trite, or actually answer the concerns.
So I did it. I answered her concerns. This is what I sent back:
I am sorry to hear that your family have colds - it really is miserable when little ones are ill. Make sure you get plenty of sleep (well, as much as you can, anyway), and lots of warm fluids: make some Chicken Soup for yourself and Ian. It is not just an old wives' tale, it is actually very, very good for people with viral infections (including the ubiquitous cold).
I didn't know that you and Tony had a 'difficult' conversation, and I am quite out of the loop, so I'm hearing things only in fits-and-starts on the occasional Sunday at Church, as well as what I heard on the site tour the other week. The grapevine doesn't seem to be stretching my way at present!
The stoles were actually started - using fabric paint techniques - some time back. The principle design is a length of Celtic border-type knot along the stole in the seasonal colour (using Gold for White), and there was to be a filial-style end design on each one. That was the sticking point, from whence came the delay. Jason had some ideas about the use of symbols that I felt trivialised the stoles and their place in the service. Before we could work through those, Jason left, and then my life fell apart. Now it is coming back together, and I am more than willing to finish the work, but would like your feedback on the end-designs. I can't find my original e-mail correspondence on the matter, so we may have to start from scratch again. I think we were working from the seven spiritual traditions, plus an eighth that had to be intelligently placed in the context of the others.
Regarding Dave and Harlin, I think you misunderstand me. It is not to do with them, per se.
I find great support in 'traditional' liturgy: when my children were small, the service could carry me while I looked after them, and I still felt part of it, even though intellectually I was often absent. In later years during times of great struggle, the same thing was true. A very wise Sister once told me that until the words of the prayer are indelibly etched in your mind you can't go beyond their surface meaning: so, you learn the prayers (by rote, I suppose), and maintain the discipline. One day you find that you are moving beyond the words and feeling the currents in the history and the spirit of them. I actively search and yearn for this sensation in my prayer life. When I am mentally or emotionally tired, then I know it won't be there, but the words, their feel and the memory of those moments of epiphany support and nurture me. So my first point is that in times of difficulty I need to feel that I KNOW the service: if I have to use the prayer book beyond reading the psalm, then I feel the service differently. Then I am a stranger in my own space.
The second issue is to do with the format of the Gospel Reflection. This has sustained and supported and fed me through a series of massive upheavals because - and this is the important bit - everyone knew the rules, and I was free to keep my reflections and feelings purely personal. The rules I am talking about in particular are:
• We hear the text read out loud - we do not individually read our own copies. Hearing the words uses different parts of cognition to reading. When hearing a person read you hear their understanding in the way they emphasise or gloss words, and your mind focuses on words that sink in on of their own accord. If you hear something read out loud, and have a copy in front of you two things happen: you short-circuit the 'listening' part of cognition, and go straight to the 'reading comprehension' part; the second thing that happens is that you tend to read back over the text looking for 'important' or 'relevant' points. These function together to subtly change the focus from what resonates within a person, to what the passage is 'meant' to teach.
• We don't reflect on what other people say. This means that it is safe to have the 'wrong' interpretation, because the only person the meaning matters to, is you. The Spirit talks to everyone differently at different times, and we cannot know how something 'should' be heard by someone else. The recent tendency to conversation and debate on what the passage is 'really' saying means that it takes a lot more energy to contribute because I have to be more careful about what I say.
• We are searching to hear the voice of the Creator speaking to us, individually, in our present lives. If someone wants a sermon, and formal teaching, then there are plenty of other places where this is offered.
When these rules are not followed, then I can't release my mind to the internal experience that I seek in our service. Because the general feel at St Paul's has been that Dave and Harlin won't be with us for long, we have let them do as they please with the reflection, and I feel that it is now hard work on a level that I don't have the energy for, and the result does not feed me.
These two issues are very personal to me, they are not criticisms of either Dave or Harlin, and if the style of service is supporting others, then it is not actually a 'problem' as such, simply a poor fit.
The other thing I am experiencing discomfort with is to do with the 'Calling' people may be experiencing within our community. I find it frankly offensive to have someone tell me that because they have a 'calling' to be somewhere, or that they have prayed about something, that they think they 'know' what God wants them to do about it. I am wary of anyone who really thinks they know what God wants from them - they are at a very serious risk of stomping on other, possibly more fragile, understandings of other's callings on a 'holier than thou' pretext. I am intensely uncomfortable when someone says "I've prayed about this, and this is how it should be". It is entirely possible that the result of their prayer is that they are supposed to hear others views and change their mind! After all, in our context, everyone is praying about the whole place pretty much all of the time, and how can anyone possible discern whose prayers are more special, better linked to God's plans, or just plain better? I think we should do the traditional Anglican thing and use the three legs - Tradition, Scripture and Reason - when dealing with issues. Each situation has its own history (tradition), each person involved has a duty to engage prayerful reflection and interaction with God on the matter (scripture) and what follows is discussion and, hopefully, a path to resolution (reason). Failure to find the path may even be it's own path. We should be wary of any process that is so rushed that there is insufficient time for persuasion of the unready by reasoned discussion. I think it is very important that use of the "I-Prayed-About-It Card" to trump other's ideas is actively discouraged.
So, in summary, the increasing distance I am feeling with St Paul's is a combination of the variable service format, undisciplined reflection practices, and the insidious appearance of an almost papist suggestion that some people infallibly know God's will. There are minor irritations that are happening from time to time, but they are just that, minor. My issues are those that centre on how I experience the Creator, the Redeemer and the Sanctifier in my home parish, and I am finding that I just don't fit any more.
I am happy to meet with you to talk further about these matters, but I have not drawn these conclusions lightly, and I have limited energy to pursue further change for myself.
This was quite hard for me, because now I have to move on. I have been safe, and nurtured at St Paul's for 17 years, and now it's time to find somewhere else. In other circumstances, or other times, it may have been time for me to change, but there has been too much change, and I need to have spiritual sustenance to survive.
I sent the letter first to Tony for his feedback; he really liked it, and wanted me to send it to the Bishop. But to what end? This is entirely personal, I can't see how any of this relates to the wider issues in any helpful way. Tony still thinks there could be a battle that may be winnable, but I can't do it. Well, now it's gone. 17 years, all gone.
So I did it. I answered her concerns. This is what I sent back:
I am sorry to hear that your family have colds - it really is miserable when little ones are ill. Make sure you get plenty of sleep (well, as much as you can, anyway), and lots of warm fluids: make some Chicken Soup for yourself and Ian. It is not just an old wives' tale, it is actually very, very good for people with viral infections (including the ubiquitous cold).
I didn't know that you and Tony had a 'difficult' conversation, and I am quite out of the loop, so I'm hearing things only in fits-and-starts on the occasional Sunday at Church, as well as what I heard on the site tour the other week. The grapevine doesn't seem to be stretching my way at present!
The stoles were actually started - using fabric paint techniques - some time back. The principle design is a length of Celtic border-type knot along the stole in the seasonal colour (using Gold for White), and there was to be a filial-style end design on each one. That was the sticking point, from whence came the delay. Jason had some ideas about the use of symbols that I felt trivialised the stoles and their place in the service. Before we could work through those, Jason left, and then my life fell apart. Now it is coming back together, and I am more than willing to finish the work, but would like your feedback on the end-designs. I can't find my original e-mail correspondence on the matter, so we may have to start from scratch again. I think we were working from the seven spiritual traditions, plus an eighth that had to be intelligently placed in the context of the others.
Regarding Dave and Harlin, I think you misunderstand me. It is not to do with them, per se.
I find great support in 'traditional' liturgy: when my children were small, the service could carry me while I looked after them, and I still felt part of it, even though intellectually I was often absent. In later years during times of great struggle, the same thing was true. A very wise Sister once told me that until the words of the prayer are indelibly etched in your mind you can't go beyond their surface meaning: so, you learn the prayers (by rote, I suppose), and maintain the discipline. One day you find that you are moving beyond the words and feeling the currents in the history and the spirit of them. I actively search and yearn for this sensation in my prayer life. When I am mentally or emotionally tired, then I know it won't be there, but the words, their feel and the memory of those moments of epiphany support and nurture me. So my first point is that in times of difficulty I need to feel that I KNOW the service: if I have to use the prayer book beyond reading the psalm, then I feel the service differently. Then I am a stranger in my own space.
The second issue is to do with the format of the Gospel Reflection. This has sustained and supported and fed me through a series of massive upheavals because - and this is the important bit - everyone knew the rules, and I was free to keep my reflections and feelings purely personal. The rules I am talking about in particular are:
• We hear the text read out loud - we do not individually read our own copies. Hearing the words uses different parts of cognition to reading. When hearing a person read you hear their understanding in the way they emphasise or gloss words, and your mind focuses on words that sink in on of their own accord. If you hear something read out loud, and have a copy in front of you two things happen: you short-circuit the 'listening' part of cognition, and go straight to the 'reading comprehension' part; the second thing that happens is that you tend to read back over the text looking for 'important' or 'relevant' points. These function together to subtly change the focus from what resonates within a person, to what the passage is 'meant' to teach.
• We don't reflect on what other people say. This means that it is safe to have the 'wrong' interpretation, because the only person the meaning matters to, is you. The Spirit talks to everyone differently at different times, and we cannot know how something 'should' be heard by someone else. The recent tendency to conversation and debate on what the passage is 'really' saying means that it takes a lot more energy to contribute because I have to be more careful about what I say.
• We are searching to hear the voice of the Creator speaking to us, individually, in our present lives. If someone wants a sermon, and formal teaching, then there are plenty of other places where this is offered.
When these rules are not followed, then I can't release my mind to the internal experience that I seek in our service. Because the general feel at St Paul's has been that Dave and Harlin won't be with us for long, we have let them do as they please with the reflection, and I feel that it is now hard work on a level that I don't have the energy for, and the result does not feed me.
These two issues are very personal to me, they are not criticisms of either Dave or Harlin, and if the style of service is supporting others, then it is not actually a 'problem' as such, simply a poor fit.
The other thing I am experiencing discomfort with is to do with the 'Calling' people may be experiencing within our community. I find it frankly offensive to have someone tell me that because they have a 'calling' to be somewhere, or that they have prayed about something, that they think they 'know' what God wants them to do about it. I am wary of anyone who really thinks they know what God wants from them - they are at a very serious risk of stomping on other, possibly more fragile, understandings of other's callings on a 'holier than thou' pretext. I am intensely uncomfortable when someone says "I've prayed about this, and this is how it should be". It is entirely possible that the result of their prayer is that they are supposed to hear others views and change their mind! After all, in our context, everyone is praying about the whole place pretty much all of the time, and how can anyone possible discern whose prayers are more special, better linked to God's plans, or just plain better? I think we should do the traditional Anglican thing and use the three legs - Tradition, Scripture and Reason - when dealing with issues. Each situation has its own history (tradition), each person involved has a duty to engage prayerful reflection and interaction with God on the matter (scripture) and what follows is discussion and, hopefully, a path to resolution (reason). Failure to find the path may even be it's own path. We should be wary of any process that is so rushed that there is insufficient time for persuasion of the unready by reasoned discussion. I think it is very important that use of the "I-Prayed-About-It Card" to trump other's ideas is actively discouraged.
So, in summary, the increasing distance I am feeling with St Paul's is a combination of the variable service format, undisciplined reflection practices, and the insidious appearance of an almost papist suggestion that some people infallibly know God's will. There are minor irritations that are happening from time to time, but they are just that, minor. My issues are those that centre on how I experience the Creator, the Redeemer and the Sanctifier in my home parish, and I am finding that I just don't fit any more.
I am happy to meet with you to talk further about these matters, but I have not drawn these conclusions lightly, and I have limited energy to pursue further change for myself.
This was quite hard for me, because now I have to move on. I have been safe, and nurtured at St Paul's for 17 years, and now it's time to find somewhere else. In other circumstances, or other times, it may have been time for me to change, but there has been too much change, and I need to have spiritual sustenance to survive.
I sent the letter first to Tony for his feedback; he really liked it, and wanted me to send it to the Bishop. But to what end? This is entirely personal, I can't see how any of this relates to the wider issues in any helpful way. Tony still thinks there could be a battle that may be winnable, but I can't do it. Well, now it's gone. 17 years, all gone.
Tuesday, 5 September 2006
I really did try to go to bed on time last night.
...I got caught out by agreeing to cook Sarah's dinner. She got home at about 9.30, and given that I'd said I would, I was cooking again till nearly 10pm.
I ended up going to bed 30 mins late. Given the circumstances, 30 mins was pretty good. This morning I thought I'd slept in, 'cos the finance report was on the radio, but they've moved that segment, so I was still within limits. I got myself out on time today! And I'm getting better at settling to my work. Still not particularly good, but getting better.
My new dilemma is that last night one of my credit card companies sent me a letter offering to increase my credit limit. I think that I should throw it out. However, a bit of slack (knowing that I'll be clearing all the cards when the loans are renegotiated) would make life alot easier for the next couple of months. But can I control it? I am not very good with money. I'm ill-disciplined with everything, and money is no exception. I'm better than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go. I actually think that if I was just looking after myself I could do it, but I'm hopeless saying 'no' to the kids (one of Tony's key issues with me) when they need help, and they are like a constant leak out of my bank account.
If I got the credit I could get my bike serviced and fixed, and then I'd be that much better off with the cost of petrol (the fact that the bike won't start is a significant disincentive to me riding - the fact that the front bearings are shot is the other one).
I want to do it, 'cos it would help so very much, but I am afraid of it. Maybe that's an improvement in me coming out - a year ago I'd have just sent it off with the sure expectation that things would get better 'soon' and that I could get it back under control in just a little while. This time I am reasonably assured that a real source of cash will clear my credit debt within the next 6-8 weeks, and my nerves about it getting out of control might - if I can be lucky enough - just be the appearance of the money discipline that I have been trying so hard to develop in myself for such a very, very long time.
I made some mini-milestones this morning - dogs to be let out at 7-7.10, in shower by 7.30-ish, getting dressed by 8am, in car at 8.20. It was good. I had a bit of leeway, and I found it easier to take the time to do what I was doing. Not sure yet how I can apply this concept in other areas of my life, in particular, in other timeslots: mornings are relatively easy 'cos there is only me to worry about. Evenings are way more complicated, but they are the main block that I need to regain control over. I won't even raise the prospect of weekends....
I could go to the dentist with some of that money, too.
I could also buy clothes - which I absolutely MUST NOT DO.
Nor must I spend it on whisky.
I don't know, though. I'd probably be better off not getting the extra.
This evening I'm dropping in to Virginia's to pick up stuff that Sarah left there last time she visited. That will just about double my trip home - Sarah will have to give me some money for petrol before the end of this week I think. I've just gone to Whereis.com.au to get instructions for getting there from here, and it looks pretty straightforward - it's nearly 10km closer than home!
I think I am starting to feel better about things - including me. I've lost a couple of kilos (lots more to go, though), started exercising again (my CV fitness always picks up quickly - I hope to be going back to the gym again soon), been getting out of bed at a reasonable hour, and recently started cooking actual meals again. I've also got the money ... well, if not actually under control, it's at least a carefully observed chaos, as compared to a rampaging, out of control, wild bull in the proverbial china shop of my life. And I'm enjoying dressing up - fancy knickers and lovely bras, stockings, cute shoes, styled hair, makeup (although not too much makeup - I think it makes me look a bit too lined), and ummm, waxing... Of course, noone else knows about the lingerie or the waxing, but they feel nice anyway. I just need more money.... and so, back to the earlier dilemma: to get the extra credit or not. I really don't know, and now I'm going to do some work.
I ended up going to bed 30 mins late. Given the circumstances, 30 mins was pretty good. This morning I thought I'd slept in, 'cos the finance report was on the radio, but they've moved that segment, so I was still within limits. I got myself out on time today! And I'm getting better at settling to my work. Still not particularly good, but getting better.
My new dilemma is that last night one of my credit card companies sent me a letter offering to increase my credit limit. I think that I should throw it out. However, a bit of slack (knowing that I'll be clearing all the cards when the loans are renegotiated) would make life alot easier for the next couple of months. But can I control it? I am not very good with money. I'm ill-disciplined with everything, and money is no exception. I'm better than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go. I actually think that if I was just looking after myself I could do it, but I'm hopeless saying 'no' to the kids (one of Tony's key issues with me) when they need help, and they are like a constant leak out of my bank account.
If I got the credit I could get my bike serviced and fixed, and then I'd be that much better off with the cost of petrol (the fact that the bike won't start is a significant disincentive to me riding - the fact that the front bearings are shot is the other one).
I want to do it, 'cos it would help so very much, but I am afraid of it. Maybe that's an improvement in me coming out - a year ago I'd have just sent it off with the sure expectation that things would get better 'soon' and that I could get it back under control in just a little while. This time I am reasonably assured that a real source of cash will clear my credit debt within the next 6-8 weeks, and my nerves about it getting out of control might - if I can be lucky enough - just be the appearance of the money discipline that I have been trying so hard to develop in myself for such a very, very long time.
I made some mini-milestones this morning - dogs to be let out at 7-7.10, in shower by 7.30-ish, getting dressed by 8am, in car at 8.20. It was good. I had a bit of leeway, and I found it easier to take the time to do what I was doing. Not sure yet how I can apply this concept in other areas of my life, in particular, in other timeslots: mornings are relatively easy 'cos there is only me to worry about. Evenings are way more complicated, but they are the main block that I need to regain control over. I won't even raise the prospect of weekends....
I could go to the dentist with some of that money, too.
I could also buy clothes - which I absolutely MUST NOT DO.
Nor must I spend it on whisky.
I don't know, though. I'd probably be better off not getting the extra.
This evening I'm dropping in to Virginia's to pick up stuff that Sarah left there last time she visited. That will just about double my trip home - Sarah will have to give me some money for petrol before the end of this week I think. I've just gone to Whereis.com.au to get instructions for getting there from here, and it looks pretty straightforward - it's nearly 10km closer than home!
I think I am starting to feel better about things - including me. I've lost a couple of kilos (lots more to go, though), started exercising again (my CV fitness always picks up quickly - I hope to be going back to the gym again soon), been getting out of bed at a reasonable hour, and recently started cooking actual meals again. I've also got the money ... well, if not actually under control, it's at least a carefully observed chaos, as compared to a rampaging, out of control, wild bull in the proverbial china shop of my life. And I'm enjoying dressing up - fancy knickers and lovely bras, stockings, cute shoes, styled hair, makeup (although not too much makeup - I think it makes me look a bit too lined), and ummm, waxing... Of course, noone else knows about the lingerie or the waxing, but they feel nice anyway. I just need more money.... and so, back to the earlier dilemma: to get the extra credit or not. I really don't know, and now I'm going to do some work.
Monday, 4 September 2006
Life has been really complicated.
Then over the last couple of weeks I have put what resources I have into a major life-planning exercise. Now I have goals and milestones, and a means of tracking the process. One of the major things that really worries me about it is that I think I may be expecting a lot of myself to maintain the pace. I’m not good at allowing enough time for things. I think I need to go through and re-set the milestones, make them more achievable. On the other hand, I have to be careful that the deadlines are not so flexible that I lose focus on the goal…
Another significant concern (the only other one likely to screw me up) is that I am not very disciplined. I get tired – mentally and physically, and the kids leave messes that I am constantly needing to deal with before I get to the next bit. So, for example, I get home from work at about 7pm. I can’t make dinner straight away ‘cos the kitchen’s a mess. Do I clean up and start cooking around 8pm, or do I spend money and buy some sort of takeaway, and be finished eating by 8pm? If I cook, then it’ll be 9pm before I finish eating and clean up, and I want to head off to my room for downtime by 10pm, so one hour to do cleaning, dog stuff, exercise, kid interaction, relationship maintenance (that is, phone calls). Often the list is so long that I don’t do any of it … and so everything gets put back, and within a couple of weeks I’ve got used to the idea that I can’t meet my goals.
OK. The solution seems so terribly obvious – I have to revise the quantity of stuff I set for myself to do. I REALLY need some positive reinforcement from getting through the lists…. Right. I’ve stretched the weekly tasks over 4 weeks... I even spread the ‘monthly’ tasks over 12 weeks. That might leave enough slack in my time to meet goals. Maybe. I want to be a dynamic, happening person who is energised by completion of tasks and is really organised. Unfortunately, I get wound up in doing stuff I didn’t plan to do, don’t like, and usually doesn’t contribute to my goals. Stuff like driving people around. Listening to Tony. Long conversations with people I don’t really want to talk to… That sort of thing. And then there’s the stuff I DO want to do – like going out for dinner/drinks with people I like. I have been doing that more often and it’s messing up my to-dos. I guess I need to allow more flexibility….
I am really tired, but at least the house is tidy at the moment. Not ‘right’ – ‘cos there’s still a lot of painting to do, etc – but pretty good. With the revised goals list I hope I can do everything on my list and still get an hour off, and into bed at a decent hour tonight. I am so very, very, tired.
I think I’ll call Sean on the way home. I’ve upgraded my phone plan after last month (my phone bill topped $417); I don’t plan to use THAT much again, but I don’t want to lose the opportunity to do catch up calls in the car. I’ve increased the cap by $20, and if it looks like I need it, later in the year I will consider increasing it by another $20.
In terms of food I’ve been pretty good today – I had a good breakfast (poached eggs on toast), and I’ve eaten fruit as well. But I haven’t been sensible. I haven’t eaten anything else, and now I am very, very hungry. And tired. So tomorrow I think I will bring a sandwich to toast; now that I’ve put myself back on dietary restrictions I don’t want to sabotage myself by getting overly hungry.
Another significant concern (the only other one likely to screw me up) is that I am not very disciplined. I get tired – mentally and physically, and the kids leave messes that I am constantly needing to deal with before I get to the next bit. So, for example, I get home from work at about 7pm. I can’t make dinner straight away ‘cos the kitchen’s a mess. Do I clean up and start cooking around 8pm, or do I spend money and buy some sort of takeaway, and be finished eating by 8pm? If I cook, then it’ll be 9pm before I finish eating and clean up, and I want to head off to my room for downtime by 10pm, so one hour to do cleaning, dog stuff, exercise, kid interaction, relationship maintenance (that is, phone calls). Often the list is so long that I don’t do any of it … and so everything gets put back, and within a couple of weeks I’ve got used to the idea that I can’t meet my goals.
OK. The solution seems so terribly obvious – I have to revise the quantity of stuff I set for myself to do. I REALLY need some positive reinforcement from getting through the lists…. Right. I’ve stretched the weekly tasks over 4 weeks... I even spread the ‘monthly’ tasks over 12 weeks. That might leave enough slack in my time to meet goals. Maybe. I want to be a dynamic, happening person who is energised by completion of tasks and is really organised. Unfortunately, I get wound up in doing stuff I didn’t plan to do, don’t like, and usually doesn’t contribute to my goals. Stuff like driving people around. Listening to Tony. Long conversations with people I don’t really want to talk to… That sort of thing. And then there’s the stuff I DO want to do – like going out for dinner/drinks with people I like. I have been doing that more often and it’s messing up my to-dos. I guess I need to allow more flexibility….
I am really tired, but at least the house is tidy at the moment. Not ‘right’ – ‘cos there’s still a lot of painting to do, etc – but pretty good. With the revised goals list I hope I can do everything on my list and still get an hour off, and into bed at a decent hour tonight. I am so very, very, tired.
I think I’ll call Sean on the way home. I’ve upgraded my phone plan after last month (my phone bill topped $417); I don’t plan to use THAT much again, but I don’t want to lose the opportunity to do catch up calls in the car. I’ve increased the cap by $20, and if it looks like I need it, later in the year I will consider increasing it by another $20.
In terms of food I’ve been pretty good today – I had a good breakfast (poached eggs on toast), and I’ve eaten fruit as well. But I haven’t been sensible. I haven’t eaten anything else, and now I am very, very hungry. And tired. So tomorrow I think I will bring a sandwich to toast; now that I’ve put myself back on dietary restrictions I don’t want to sabotage myself by getting overly hungry.
Monday, 17 July 2006
Starting the cleanout
I had a rubbish skip delivered Saturday so that I could pull up the ruined carpet, ready for the hard floors to be layed, preparatory to selling the house. Unfortunately, I hardly managed to start anything on Saturday - the day was a dreadful mess of driving all over the place after others (Tony, Phillip, Sarah, Issy etc). I gave up Saturday night. I bought a bottle of vodka and a bottle of tonic, and went to bed to watch the TV. I got tired of drinking around 9-ish, and started reading. Lucky that, really.
At 11.30 Sarah rang to ask me to pick her up (as well as Issy, Callum and Tom) from the party they'd gone to. She said that Tom had been hit, and she wanted to bring him home to clean him up. So I put my dressing gown on, and went to get them. Just a few minutes from home. Tom had been rather brutally bashed - apparently gate-crashers arrived at the party, and the father of the birthday girl threw everyone out at the same time. Bad move. The gate-crashers started picking on one of the boys, Tom stepped in and said something like 'leave him alone', and got hit to the ground. Then they kicked him. Callum tried to help, and got a bottle broken over the back of his head for his trouble. Someone called the police - a neighbour, I think, but no-one came out to see if anyone was hurt. When I got there the police had just arrived and wanted me to take Tom to hospital. I looked at him and asked them to call an ambulance, which they did. By the time it arrived Tom was coughing up blood. I was very worried about him, and when the ambulance went I took Sarah, Issy and some boys back to our place, I dressed and we went to the Austin Hospital, which is where they said they were taking him. After spending about 45mins at the Austin we were finally able to ascertain that the ambulance had been redirected and he was in the Royal Melbourne. So off we went. One of the boys was very drunk and belligerent with it. He ended up going home in the back of a divvy van (which suited me, 'cos I wasn't going to take him - he was driving me up the wall). We couldn't get hold of Tom's dad. Callum wouldn't let anyone tell his parents. I took him home around 3.30am, with his head cleaned but not stitched. Tom's dad was finally contacted around 6am, and he went straight in. Tom was allowed to go home late in the morning, but he is in a dreadful way.
So Sunday. Got up late, called the ex-husband to say 'Sorry, but I've got alot to do, and I'm tired' (I was supposed to help him with his business accounts), and then slowly got going. Around 1pm the kids kind-of kicked in and we got to work on the carpet and the rubbish in the yard. We finished around 6pm. Intense, but successful. I bought the kids pizza for dinner 'cos they'd worked so hard. Then Tony turned up.
He was angry about some of the things in the skip that I was throwing out. I said that I thought he knew I had the skip, and that he knew I'd be throwing out rubbish. We had a heated discussion about rubbish. Then he complained that I don't consult him - of course I don't. I worked out years ago that asking him anything is just another way to never get it done. Now he is saying I shouldn't do anything to the house, and maybe he can buy out my share. Hmmm. He has barely been able to work at all for 5 years, and now he thinks he can support an even bigger mortgage? Anyway. He wanted to sort 'us' out. So I told him that it was finished. I just want to sort the house, settle the money and get on with my life. He got stroppy, and gave me a long dissertation on why he doesn't want to live with me any more. But in the end he said that he had hoped that I'd want to change! enough to try again. No. It's not possible. Everything is still about me changing, and nothing is about him taking his mental illness seriously and dealing with it. I don't want to live like that again.
So that awful conversation has been done. I went pretty much straight to bed, and slept better than I have in a while. This morning I got up early and paid some of my bills (I don't have enough money to pay all of them), and now I'm at work. So, I've ended it with my husband, and now I'm really alone. It's time to take life seriously.
At 11.30 Sarah rang to ask me to pick her up (as well as Issy, Callum and Tom) from the party they'd gone to. She said that Tom had been hit, and she wanted to bring him home to clean him up. So I put my dressing gown on, and went to get them. Just a few minutes from home. Tom had been rather brutally bashed - apparently gate-crashers arrived at the party, and the father of the birthday girl threw everyone out at the same time. Bad move. The gate-crashers started picking on one of the boys, Tom stepped in and said something like 'leave him alone', and got hit to the ground. Then they kicked him. Callum tried to help, and got a bottle broken over the back of his head for his trouble. Someone called the police - a neighbour, I think, but no-one came out to see if anyone was hurt. When I got there the police had just arrived and wanted me to take Tom to hospital. I looked at him and asked them to call an ambulance, which they did. By the time it arrived Tom was coughing up blood. I was very worried about him, and when the ambulance went I took Sarah, Issy and some boys back to our place, I dressed and we went to the Austin Hospital, which is where they said they were taking him. After spending about 45mins at the Austin we were finally able to ascertain that the ambulance had been redirected and he was in the Royal Melbourne. So off we went. One of the boys was very drunk and belligerent with it. He ended up going home in the back of a divvy van (which suited me, 'cos I wasn't going to take him - he was driving me up the wall). We couldn't get hold of Tom's dad. Callum wouldn't let anyone tell his parents. I took him home around 3.30am, with his head cleaned but not stitched. Tom's dad was finally contacted around 6am, and he went straight in. Tom was allowed to go home late in the morning, but he is in a dreadful way.
So Sunday. Got up late, called the ex-husband to say 'Sorry, but I've got alot to do, and I'm tired' (I was supposed to help him with his business accounts), and then slowly got going. Around 1pm the kids kind-of kicked in and we got to work on the carpet and the rubbish in the yard. We finished around 6pm. Intense, but successful. I bought the kids pizza for dinner 'cos they'd worked so hard. Then Tony turned up.
He was angry about some of the things in the skip that I was throwing out. I said that I thought he knew I had the skip, and that he knew I'd be throwing out rubbish. We had a heated discussion about rubbish. Then he complained that I don't consult him - of course I don't. I worked out years ago that asking him anything is just another way to never get it done. Now he is saying I shouldn't do anything to the house, and maybe he can buy out my share. Hmmm. He has barely been able to work at all for 5 years, and now he thinks he can support an even bigger mortgage? Anyway. He wanted to sort 'us' out. So I told him that it was finished. I just want to sort the house, settle the money and get on with my life. He got stroppy, and gave me a long dissertation on why he doesn't want to live with me any more. But in the end he said that he had hoped that I'd want to change! enough to try again. No. It's not possible. Everything is still about me changing, and nothing is about him taking his mental illness seriously and dealing with it. I don't want to live like that again.
So that awful conversation has been done. I went pretty much straight to bed, and slept better than I have in a while. This morning I got up early and paid some of my bills (I don't have enough money to pay all of them), and now I'm at work. So, I've ended it with my husband, and now I'm really alone. It's time to take life seriously.
Time to move on...
We had a murder in my suburb last night - someone I knew. Not well, but well enough for a nodding acquaintance. We had him do our wills some years ago, and my husband was supposed to do some work for him round about the time he got really ill - never happened. He was shot in the alley behind the shops near the station, and it seems he managed to stagger out of the alley to the bus stop before he died. Just awful, our suburb is usually thought of as being so very safe.
The police were thick on the ground in Station St when I was going home: I did have a drink with Dani last night - it was fun. I miss seeing her now that I'm not working at the uni. This morning I came into work late. Sadly, Debra couldn't cope in her new job, and quit this morning - depression seems to have subsumed her again. This means our 'hot date' on Wednesday is off - I was worried about her when we deferred last week. Now she feels bad about being a burden to me. To be honest I could do without more mental illness in my life, but I can't just abandon her.
So, this evening I have to call Debra (standard care & concern), Karyn (friend maintenance), and Sean (me maintenance). That's a moderately high load for my soul just now. I also have to get on with the sale of the house issues - order a rubbish skip, and book a quote for the flooring. I am just holding on. I need some more strength....
The police were thick on the ground in Station St when I was going home: I did have a drink with Dani last night - it was fun. I miss seeing her now that I'm not working at the uni. This morning I came into work late. Sadly, Debra couldn't cope in her new job, and quit this morning - depression seems to have subsumed her again. This means our 'hot date' on Wednesday is off - I was worried about her when we deferred last week. Now she feels bad about being a burden to me. To be honest I could do without more mental illness in my life, but I can't just abandon her.
So, this evening I have to call Debra (standard care & concern), Karyn (friend maintenance), and Sean (me maintenance). That's a moderately high load for my soul just now. I also have to get on with the sale of the house issues - order a rubbish skip, and book a quote for the flooring. I am just holding on. I need some more strength....
Monday, 10 July 2006
Another leap forward in time...
I've taken my wedding ring off. Well, it's been over a year since he moved out now. And at long last I've come to the conclusion that (in my heart at least), it's over. I won't be living with him ever again. Every time we have discussed being back together he has given me the list of all of my faults that have to be rectified, and all of the reasons that I've made him ill, and why it's my fault that his life is such a misery. I just woke one morning and asked myself 'why'. Why go back to being responsible for his misery again? Why put myself in the position of being constantly berated for being alive? No. It's over, and I'm getting a life.
Last week I had dinner with a (much) younger man - nothing will come of it, but he is charming company, and is so undemanding. I'm quite prepared to work at maintaining a friendship with him. Friday evening I spent with another friend. She had asked me to draw her, and so last week was the first sketch session. We had dinner, drew for a while and things developed from there. I don't want a relationship. The thought of being held responsible again for another human being's emotional state is terrifying. But, the warmth and contact of intimacy is wonderful. And this is a friendship that has matured into a sweet contact of souls. She had never been with a woman before, and I have only been with one man for 25 years, so it was quite an experience for both of us. I loved it.
Tonight I'm going for a drink with another friend - this one is strictly platonic. She was a fantastic support last year when the marriage was breaking up. Wednesday I'm watching TV (Spicks & Specks, Absolute Power, The Glass House and The Movie Show - a great night's television!) with a gay friend whom I have known for years.
So my life is changed. I am free, my house will be on the market soon, and then I will be responsible to no-one but myself. Well... for a while anyway, I'm sure my conscience will eventually slow me down.....
Cheers
Last week I had dinner with a (much) younger man - nothing will come of it, but he is charming company, and is so undemanding. I'm quite prepared to work at maintaining a friendship with him. Friday evening I spent with another friend. She had asked me to draw her, and so last week was the first sketch session. We had dinner, drew for a while and things developed from there. I don't want a relationship. The thought of being held responsible again for another human being's emotional state is terrifying. But, the warmth and contact of intimacy is wonderful. And this is a friendship that has matured into a sweet contact of souls. She had never been with a woman before, and I have only been with one man for 25 years, so it was quite an experience for both of us. I loved it.
Tonight I'm going for a drink with another friend - this one is strictly platonic. She was a fantastic support last year when the marriage was breaking up. Wednesday I'm watching TV (Spicks & Specks, Absolute Power, The Glass House and The Movie Show - a great night's television!) with a gay friend whom I have known for years.
So my life is changed. I am free, my house will be on the market soon, and then I will be responsible to no-one but myself. Well... for a while anyway, I'm sure my conscience will eventually slow me down.....
Cheers
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