I'm tired again. I feel as though I have been continuously tired since about May 2005. But this time … this time it's different; it's 'good' tired. It's that woman I met on New Year's Eve at SheBar. When we are together she can't keep her hands off me (it is SO good), and when we are alone she can't keep her mouth off me… I am buzzing, my soul, my body and my mind are full of the sensations of her.
I can't remember feeling desire as intense as this. I want to touch and taste her: I am lusting for her, and I get a fantastic high from pleasing her. Then she goes down on me. I have never before been with anyone who is also the object of my fantasies. And she exceeds them. When I am with her my mind is just wiped. I couldn't think about other things even if I wanted to.
She makes me feel desirable, beautiful (gorgeous, even), and puts my mind at peace. That is an amazing thing. I don't have to think about how to respond, how much longer this is going on, or anything really. I can't think about anything but her when we are together. And last night was a case in point. My mind was exhausted, I even thought about not seeing her because I was so tired. But I did. And I'm glad I did. All the angst and pain of the afternoon (spent wrestling money with my husband ... from whom I am thoroughly separated) vanished – evaporated away. My mind was left wonderfully rested and calm. There was just her body and her sweet self, kissing me, talking to me, holding me, responding to me. I was so focussed, so absolutely there in the moment. There was no past, no future, just the present, each moment a perfect one.
She is so easy to be with. Completely undemanding: I don't have to 'be' anyone, or anything. She just wants me there with her. I don't have to do anything to please her beyond what I want to do, the things that my own lust is driving. I don't have to think about how to behave or act. My behaviour and my responses come straight from how I feel about her, and what we are doing at the time. It's like being transported to another universe where the sexual rules I've lived under no longer exist. I'm re-learning everything from the beginning.
When my mouth is on her I feel awkward – I'm still working out how to angle my head, handle her, move her about, and my tongue needs to … umm… toughen up, or at least get fitter. When my hands and fingers are on her I feel clumsy – I 'lose' her clitoris when she moves and I worry that I'm not doing things properly. But she doesn't seem to mind that I'm inexperienced. She makes me feel that whatever I'm doing is at least making her feel good. She likes to kiss me.
So I'm tired. I'm tired because it was about 12.15am when I got home last night, then it took me a while to go to sleep. Not because I had to unwind, but because I didn't want to stop thinking about her, and sleep requires that of me. All I wanted was to re-live her mouth and body. Over, and over, and over, again. It must have been around 1.30 when I finally went to sleep, and then I was woken by the alarm at about 6am. I've done this a few times lately, and now I'm paying for it. I don't care. If I had yesterday to live again, I would do the same. Well, maybe I'd suggest going upstairs earlier … but that would be to get more time, not to finish earlier.
I may be falling in love with her. I don't actually know. I haven't felt like this before. It wasn't like this with my husband: much less intense and more driven by his desire for me. I didn't even realise I could feel this intensity of emotion and lust. So maybe I'm just (finally) working out what sex can feel like. Maybe I'm confusing love with gratitude. Or perhaps it is love, but on a whole new level that I didn't know was out there. In the end, I don't care what it is, it is enough to feel it, and have the desire reciprocated. She doesn't have to love me – as long as she doesn't despise me for my feelings.
Right now I don't even care if it all fades in a couple of weeks. It will still have been one of the most incredible, intense, times of my life, and I will be forever grateful to her for everything she has shared with me.
