The perennial question of the impatient 'Are we there yet?'
This is me, I've been gaining weight at a slow but quite steady rate for 25, no, 30 years. I started a controlled diet 3 weeks ago. I was away for work last week (and I ate increasingly poorly as the week wore on). And I want the weight GONE.
In my head I know that you can't undo 30 years of gluttony with 3 weeks of caution, but in my heart I want it to just be gone. I just want to be at the destination. I don't want to do the journey, the time.
It won't work, though. Only patience, discipline and time will resolve it. Patience and time come to pretty much the same thing, and I've outsourced my discipline (5/7, anyway). So now I just have to wait it out.
I've been good this morning - I got up, ate a controlled breakfast prepared for work, left on time (for a car trip - I had intended to train, but left too late), and worked fairly solidly since getting here. Except that the work network is down,.
Tonight I have to do my judges training homework, tomorrow is the lecture, then more ironing & washing on Wednesday, and Thursday I'll have to prepare for Friday's interview. So my accounts won't get done until Friday?? Damn. Must be careful with my money this week...
Monday, 30 May 2011
Monday, 23 May 2011
The autumn of my soul
I have written a very difficult blog today - the answer to Jenny's rant against Christianity. It was very hard to write, especially as she wrote on Good Friday: on the day that Christ ended external sacrifice for ever in our culture. And then Skeeta died, and then Nan. So what is the purpose of their deaths if there is no "divine plan"? None. For me, the purpose is was in their lives, how I coped with their loss and how I celebrated their lives. How they changed me. The purpose of their deaths for them was different, and the purpose for everyone else is their own to determine. It is their lives that had the greatest value.
So I said I don't believe in predesination. Yes, me, who still looks at horoscopes and toys with the tarot. Why do I do those things? Because I think that I know me best and they can offer me a chance to reconsider how I respond to things by priming my mind to think along a particular path. The bible does the same thing.
I am now shedding the hard parts of my faith - those things I can't live with anymore. I have long since left the virgin birth behind, and the creation of the world in a few days. Now it's time to see God as within everyone, not external to us. And I'm a universalist - I think I have been for a very long time.
Now it is time for me to stop fighting with my faith, and accept what I love, and let go of what no longer works for me. It's time to shed those leaves and let my soul stop the battle, recover, and look to a new spring.
So I said I don't believe in predesination. Yes, me, who still looks at horoscopes and toys with the tarot. Why do I do those things? Because I think that I know me best and they can offer me a chance to reconsider how I respond to things by priming my mind to think along a particular path. The bible does the same thing.
I am now shedding the hard parts of my faith - those things I can't live with anymore. I have long since left the virgin birth behind, and the creation of the world in a few days. Now it's time to see God as within everyone, not external to us. And I'm a universalist - I think I have been for a very long time.
Now it is time for me to stop fighting with my faith, and accept what I love, and let go of what no longer works for me. It's time to shed those leaves and let my soul stop the battle, recover, and look to a new spring.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Autumn leaves
Autumn leaves fall when the joy of summer is over, and harshness of winter is coming. The tree must divest itself of unnecessary burdens to survive the silence and isolation of the time to come.
And so it is with me now. I need to take care of myself - my health is suffering because I cannot control my eating, and under stress I just eat more, so I am spending money outsourcing my self-discipline and food choices. I am using the Lite'n'easy program 5 days per week (M-F) until I've lost at least 10kg. I hate myself like this, and I just have to cut the illusion of being able to do it. My illusory leaves must go.
Strange, it should be no harder to follow a sensible diet if I choose food and eat it, than if someone boxes it up and gives it to me - I still have to choose not to eat other food, not to snack and so on. And yet, it is easier. I think it's because I don't have to put energy into the preparation and choice stuff that I have energy available for the declining extras. This is a good time not to think about food - Nan's funeral on Wednesday, still getting used to the loss of Skeeta, about to start cross-training in MI, applied for a sector manager role, and coming to the DIAS 30 June deadline was looking like I would cross the 90kg mark... Not now though!
And sleep. I know full well that I can cope with pretty much anything if I sleep well... so now there is a limit. I put my iPhone sleep app to go off at 8hrs (it will go off anything between 7.5 and 8)
And so it is with me now. I need to take care of myself - my health is suffering because I cannot control my eating, and under stress I just eat more, so I am spending money outsourcing my self-discipline and food choices. I am using the Lite'n'easy program 5 days per week (M-F) until I've lost at least 10kg. I hate myself like this, and I just have to cut the illusion of being able to do it. My illusory leaves must go.
Strange, it should be no harder to follow a sensible diet if I choose food and eat it, than if someone boxes it up and gives it to me - I still have to choose not to eat other food, not to snack and so on. And yet, it is easier. I think it's because I don't have to put energy into the preparation and choice stuff that I have energy available for the declining extras. This is a good time not to think about food - Nan's funeral on Wednesday, still getting used to the loss of Skeeta, about to start cross-training in MI, applied for a sector manager role, and coming to the DIAS 30 June deadline was looking like I would cross the 90kg mark... Not now though!
And sleep. I know full well that I can cope with pretty much anything if I sleep well... so now there is a limit. I put my iPhone sleep app to go off at 8hrs (it will go off anything between 7.5 and 8)
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Nothing to give
9:05am
Against my instincts, but with my abilities, I am working from home again today. I am so flat. I've been waking up feeling really strange - kind of hung-over, a stretchy kind of very tired. I don't know how to describe it. I think Spike is depressed - he is so flat and quiet. Not right at all.
Today I want to do more checklists, work on the application for Sector Manager, do my accounts, get some rest, get some exercise, do some meditation, and then go to Castlemaine for the club meeting... And tomorrow I have no choice, I have to be at work at 8:30.
And if all that isn't enough, Phillip is going through the pre-assessment anxiety - "I can't get through this, and so I don't want to do it". I have to get him through this patch, 'cos he can't just stop every time it gets hard. He got through last November, and I want to support him through this one. He, like me, needs to understand that there is never a good time to deal with the problems life presents, you just have to deal with them as they come, and look after yourself as best you can on the way. Hopefully, I'll talk to him later today and we can work through it.
12:10pm
What a disrupted morning! Long calls to Fay, Tracy and Mohammed (about 2hours all up), as well as to clients (about 20 mins), and answering emails (about an hour) has just ripped the guts out of my morning. and I still feel ... odd... in the head. I wonder if it's blood pressure? Just googled the symptoms... could be. I really MUST lose this weight. I don't like feeling like this.
I think I may have a shower... a cool one. I don't want to increase my blood pressure any further.
1:20pm
Had the shower, got an email from HR, and had to email the girls 'cos I can't see intranet announcements from here... Jennifer Evans is the new CE. The expected result. But it meant a chat with Jo, and then Fay rang to tell me too. I'm having a herbal tea, now. Trying to keep my blood pressure down...
Against my instincts, but with my abilities, I am working from home again today. I am so flat. I've been waking up feeling really strange - kind of hung-over, a stretchy kind of very tired. I don't know how to describe it. I think Spike is depressed - he is so flat and quiet. Not right at all.
Today I want to do more checklists, work on the application for Sector Manager, do my accounts, get some rest, get some exercise, do some meditation, and then go to Castlemaine for the club meeting... And tomorrow I have no choice, I have to be at work at 8:30.
And if all that isn't enough, Phillip is going through the pre-assessment anxiety - "I can't get through this, and so I don't want to do it". I have to get him through this patch, 'cos he can't just stop every time it gets hard. He got through last November, and I want to support him through this one. He, like me, needs to understand that there is never a good time to deal with the problems life presents, you just have to deal with them as they come, and look after yourself as best you can on the way. Hopefully, I'll talk to him later today and we can work through it.
12:10pm
What a disrupted morning! Long calls to Fay, Tracy and Mohammed (about 2hours all up), as well as to clients (about 20 mins), and answering emails (about an hour) has just ripped the guts out of my morning. and I still feel ... odd... in the head. I wonder if it's blood pressure? Just googled the symptoms... could be. I really MUST lose this weight. I don't like feeling like this.
I think I may have a shower... a cool one. I don't want to increase my blood pressure any further.
1:20pm
Had the shower, got an email from HR, and had to email the girls 'cos I can't see intranet announcements from here... Jennifer Evans is the new CE. The expected result. But it meant a chat with Jo, and then Fay rang to tell me too. I'm having a herbal tea, now. Trying to keep my blood pressure down...
Monday, 2 May 2011
a tree bare of leaves...
9:55am
Today I am working from home, and I am profoundly sad.
We lost Skeeta at about 1:20am Sunday morning. I have no energy, and no desire to retell the story. I will probably cross-post the notes and posts from facebook. Why reinvent the wheel?
I have arranged for her to be cremated, and the ashes returned to us. How I wish we had done that for Rani... but you can't go back, I'm afraid.
I am drained, and I feel as though I may be coming down with something.
In terms of my attempts to keep an eye on myself, I haven't been doing too badly, but still not prepared to weigh myself. However, I haven't eaten badly, as such. I kind of care, but mostly don't. I've done two checklists this morning, so that is something.
I am so incredibly flat. I've spent about $1600, and I no longer have Skeeta. Doesn't seem a fair exchange, does it? Linda, Sarah and Phillip all want Zac to come home now. But I'm not quite sold... having said that, I expect to lose that one. We'll probably bring him home when I see Mum for Mother's Day this weekend.
That's enough for now. I'm going to close out this checklist and do another.
11:30am
I've done four checklists this morning - 2.25hrs worth, plus 0.25hrs internal calls, 0.25hrs external calls, and
0.75 worth of responding to emails. 3.5 hrs work so far today is pretty good.
And I've finalised the Skeeta details, I just feel so flat. I've done the washing. Two loads washed and dried. so that's good. I just don't have Skeeta. I can't imagine the time when this will stop hurting. the dogs won't go in the dog bed. I think I have to wash it, to take away the sick Skeeta smell...
More checklists.
2pm
I've now done 5 checklists, and one of them was messy. That last one took 1.25 hrs, then I had 0.5hrs of calls, and 0.5 of emails. I also got skeeta's last blood results. I'm a bit annoyed with gribbles - it was flagged urgent, and the vet called them, but it wasn't run until after 10pm, and they didn't report until nearly 8am. I thought about complaining to them, but it wouldn't have made a difference to the outcome. I may have considered more radical action earlier, but I can't be sure that I really would have. In the end, I don't think it would have changed anything. I'm going to forward the report to Kris tomorrow, for his records.
5:00pm
I only did one more checklist, hang on... no I did two more, and then I did a change of scope for Nicole. And now it's time to do the job application for the Sector Manager... Am I overreaching? WTF, just do it.
Today I am working from home, and I am profoundly sad.
We lost Skeeta at about 1:20am Sunday morning. I have no energy, and no desire to retell the story. I will probably cross-post the notes and posts from facebook. Why reinvent the wheel?
I have arranged for her to be cremated, and the ashes returned to us. How I wish we had done that for Rani... but you can't go back, I'm afraid.
I am drained, and I feel as though I may be coming down with something.
In terms of my attempts to keep an eye on myself, I haven't been doing too badly, but still not prepared to weigh myself. However, I haven't eaten badly, as such. I kind of care, but mostly don't. I've done two checklists this morning, so that is something.
I am so incredibly flat. I've spent about $1600, and I no longer have Skeeta. Doesn't seem a fair exchange, does it? Linda, Sarah and Phillip all want Zac to come home now. But I'm not quite sold... having said that, I expect to lose that one. We'll probably bring him home when I see Mum for Mother's Day this weekend.
That's enough for now. I'm going to close out this checklist and do another.
11:30am
I've done four checklists this morning - 2.25hrs worth, plus 0.25hrs internal calls, 0.25hrs external calls, and
0.75 worth of responding to emails. 3.5 hrs work so far today is pretty good.
And I've finalised the Skeeta details, I just feel so flat. I've done the washing. Two loads washed and dried. so that's good. I just don't have Skeeta. I can't imagine the time when this will stop hurting. the dogs won't go in the dog bed. I think I have to wash it, to take away the sick Skeeta smell...
More checklists.
2pm
I've now done 5 checklists, and one of them was messy. That last one took 1.25 hrs, then I had 0.5hrs of calls, and 0.5 of emails. I also got skeeta's last blood results. I'm a bit annoyed with gribbles - it was flagged urgent, and the vet called them, but it wasn't run until after 10pm, and they didn't report until nearly 8am. I thought about complaining to them, but it wouldn't have made a difference to the outcome. I may have considered more radical action earlier, but I can't be sure that I really would have. In the end, I don't think it would have changed anything. I'm going to forward the report to Kris tomorrow, for his records.
5:00pm
I only did one more checklist, hang on... no I did two more, and then I did a change of scope for Nicole. And now it's time to do the job application for the Sector Manager... Am I overreaching? WTF, just do it.
falling leaves
9:20am
Well, it is Autumn, but mostly the reference is about dropping off the twig yesterday. I was all over the place, and then had the lecture in the evening as well. Yesterday felt ... difficult. I had to ask a favour of my mother, (for Skeeta to stay there last night after leaving the vet yesterday morning), and that never leaves me feeling good.
Today is the royal wedding, and at least I am spared watching it - we are driving to Dunolly to get Skeeta straight from work.
Speaking of work... so much to do today, better get on with it.
10:30am
serious cravings that nearly had me to the bank to get cash to get food. Got a long black from the tea room instead, on the assumption that my headache is due to caffiene-insufficiency, and my hunger is probably thirst.
Working ok though...
1:40pm
Concerned - concerned about Skeeta: she has a bruise along the leg where yesterday's blood test was taken. Mum can't tell me if it was there yesterday. I specifically asked her if the puncture site was oozing or bleeding yesterday - did she not actually look at it??
Disappointed - disappointed that Linda is not coming with me tonight to Mum's. Yes, I know she is working tomorrow, well.
Well, it is Autumn, but mostly the reference is about dropping off the twig yesterday. I was all over the place, and then had the lecture in the evening as well. Yesterday felt ... difficult. I had to ask a favour of my mother, (for Skeeta to stay there last night after leaving the vet yesterday morning), and that never leaves me feeling good.
Today is the royal wedding, and at least I am spared watching it - we are driving to Dunolly to get Skeeta straight from work.
Speaking of work... so much to do today, better get on with it.
10:30am
serious cravings that nearly had me to the bank to get cash to get food. Got a long black from the tea room instead, on the assumption that my headache is due to caffiene-insufficiency, and my hunger is probably thirst.
Working ok though...
1:40pm
Concerned - concerned about Skeeta: she has a bruise along the leg where yesterday's blood test was taken. Mum can't tell me if it was there yesterday. I specifically asked her if the puncture site was oozing or bleeding yesterday - did she not actually look at it??
Disappointed - disappointed that Linda is not coming with me tonight to Mum's. Yes, I know she is working tomorrow, well.
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