Genesis

Well, it's a beginning, so it's a genesis - but I'm nervous of being misunderstood. The title of my blog is 'Still Evolving' because I am. I'm a very different creature now than I was even three years ago ...two and a half years ago...one year. So it's only a genesis of sorts - I'm now an identifiably different species, but my evolutionary path is pretty clear to anyone who chooses to look.

Farne isn't my name, it's my Avatar's name on Second Life. I spent alot of time choosing that name, and I like it, so that's what I'm running with. The name comes from Lindisfarne - known as Holy Island - off the North English coast. I was there last March, and I'd like to visit again one day.

I used to be married, and I've got two kids. My son is 20, is working, and has now moved out of home. He worries me 'cos he rides a motorbike, and like a lot of young men, his confidence in his abilities far outstrips any objective assessment of them. He's a good kid, and I hope he can continue to grow and develop, and keep showing the resiliance that has brought him safe thus far. Well, fairly safe, anyway.

My daughter is 18, and works, too. Next year she wants to study again after leaving school 2 years ago. She wants to be a stage manager. Since her father left she has bloomed, and I'm beginning to believe that she can realise her ambition.

I was married for 20-something years. My husband suffered from major depression for at least the last 15. Finally he left because he said he could no longer live with the kids. I never left him, or even asked him to leave when things were bad because I thought that if he'd had cancer, or diabetes or something, I wouldn't leave just because times were hard. It was the wrong thing to do. I should have left, and taken the kids. They had a much harder life than was needed. Sadly, it's easy to see all that in retrospect, but I couldn't do it to him at the time.

When he left all I felt was relief. I was rather surprised to find that I didn't actually love him, he was a habit. I do care about him, and I wish him well. But, without him I am a better person, a happier person, and I'm not sure that if me-minus-3years met me-today that I'd recognise myself.

I'm earning about 40% more, I have a lesbian lover, my house has had all the work it needs finally done (except painting the fence - that's on the list for next weekend), and I'm happy. My heart is at peace. Next I sell the house and divide the money with the ex. Then I buy a new house, and the transition from 'married' to 'me' is over. I think.

Cheers