Sunday night reflection

I now have three 'still evolving' blogs - this one that is (for all intents) hidden, one for lab accreditation as I try to position myself for wherever it is that I go next in my career, and the third for me to collate my dog training notes and revision.

I still have to make a new dog website - and I still have several dogs to rehome. The bathroom is under way, and we may even have it sorted within couple of weeks. I think my life may be finally settling out... and I wonder if that is something I can cope with. My whole life since I married has been a complicated dance around what I should versus what I want to do, and at every step I have failed, miserably failed, and tried to hold to the belief that I am happy inside myself. No. Happy is not the right word. I don't think I've been 'happy' for ... I don't remember a time that I thought was happy that I can still recall in that way. He destroyed every recollection of happiness in those years.

Now I stare into the face of a future without having a picture of what I could be, and I am afraid. I need to be careful that I don't just fill my time out of fear of going forward into nothing. I can see that my years ahead may not be so long as those behind, and there are so many things I still want to do, so much I am capable of that I will never get to try.

I think that all of my life I was a lesbian, I just didn't have any courage or luck. One or the other. Some days I think I was weak, others that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have found a love and it is so much kinder and gentler than any I've known before, I am lucky beyond my expectation. This love is what I was born for, and it is what I craved all of my life until she found me. Will the next part of my life be so blessed? Was the pain in my 19-43 years all down to living .... maybe not actually a lie, but .... a life not fully lived? a half-life, in the twilight of who I could have been?

The only other thing I have truly been all of my life is a writer. Since I was a child I have written poetry and framed elaborate tales of adventure, romance, tragedy... for great tracts of my life I lived in these stories instead of in the half-truth of my reality. I think it's time for me to write.

I am not going to say that I must finish this or that before beginning, rather, when it is time to start I'll make a new blog, a private one, and I shall begin. When it is time.

I don't know what the content will be, or whether it shall ever be published, but I will be a writer. A lesbian writer. And going forward into an unmapped future I vow to live my life fully - no longer in the twilight of my true self, but in the glare of ... the full moon.

That's probably enough for now...