I didn't get the Sector Manager role. Tracy did. It's kind-of the best possible outcome for me - she is probably the only person I would have respected in the role (possibly including myself), and almost certainly the only choice I can live with. She is, after all, my boss.
But I am disappointed. Why? I knew that every other candidate had more experience than me, and that my true history here has been chequered, and most certainly not exemplary. But still. In my heart I thought 'I'm worth more money than they're giving me, and I reckon I can do this job'. The panel didn't think so.
So now I turn my attention to the AM role - which is serious second best for me. I didn't want to be back doing assessments if possible, and I think I have more to give in the tech area than the assessment.... but, in truth, I am a good trainer, and I am very good with quality managers and sites, so there are strengths that I don't like using. I don't like them because I find people draining and I struggle to cope with spreading myself across people.
But now there's going to be about 20-23 people applying for 10 AM roles, and I'm not going to get one of those either, and they say I interview well (that's what Trish reported back to me from all members of the panel), so what? I'm going to go into the AM interview (Tony vdB, Andrew Johnson & a Sector Manager - I suppose it would be too much to hope for it to be Tracy??). I'm going to sell myself to bits again, and still end up here just an Program Coordinator - not even the status of an SSO and deputy managers no longer exist so I can't even claim that.
The only thing to hope is that they give me the acting SM while Tracy's on mat leave, but I reckon they'll advertise for that and I'll have to fight for it again. And my experience is not enough, so I'm going to lose every time.
And I don't feel well. I'm coming down with a cold I think, and I screwed up with the DoHA report last week ( I converted the codes incorrectly). So maybe I was overreaching; perhaps I don't deserve it. BUT I WANTED IT. not to mention the money. I'm going to be paying for my kids for years yet, and Linda earns nothing, I need to earn more to be able to do anything to get ahead, and I'm getting old. er. older. Not old. perhaps.
I am disappointed. After the screw up with the report there is a small bit of me thinking ' I wasn't really up to it anyway'.
Fuck it.
That's enough. I need to work.
