I've taken my wedding ring off. Well, it's been over a year since he moved out now. And at long last I've come to the conclusion that (in my heart at least), it's over. I won't be living with him ever again. Every time we have discussed being back together he has given me the list of all of my faults that have to be rectified, and all of the reasons that I've made him ill, and why it's my fault that his life is such a misery. I just woke one morning and asked myself 'why'. Why go back to being responsible for his misery again? Why put myself in the position of being constantly berated for being alive? No. It's over, and I'm getting a life.
Last week I had dinner with a (much) younger man - nothing will come of it, but he is charming company, and is so undemanding. I'm quite prepared to work at maintaining a friendship with him. Friday evening I spent with another friend. She had asked me to draw her, and so last week was the first sketch session. We had dinner, drew for a while and things developed from there. I don't want a relationship. The thought of being held responsible again for another human being's emotional state is terrifying. But, the warmth and contact of intimacy is wonderful. And this is a friendship that has matured into a sweet contact of souls. She had never been with a woman before, and I have only been with one man for 25 years, so it was quite an experience for both of us. I loved it.
Tonight I'm going for a drink with another friend - this one is strictly platonic. She was a fantastic support last year when the marriage was breaking up. Wednesday I'm watching TV (Spicks & Specks, Absolute Power, The Glass House and The Movie Show - a great night's television!) with a gay friend whom I have known for years.
So my life is changed. I am free, my house will be on the market soon, and then I will be responsible to no-one but myself. Well... for a while anyway, I'm sure my conscience will eventually slow me down.....
Cheers
